Friday, 25 September 2009

Displays of terrible parenting.

Ok, so I am a bad parent. I know that. I have no illusions. I like to lie to the children over mostly inconsequential things - G thought for years that people were kidnapped from car washes and forced to work in Sainsburys, the empty cars in the car park were my proof. She also thought that lamb wasn't meat from baby lambs, but a foodstuff discovered by the Earl of Winship in 1308.
So, little, ordinary things.

But today I surpassed myself. I taught my son, my 2 years and 8 months old son, a complete swearing sentence. It's his only sentence so far, despite his advanced years, but you know.. at least he's not entirely mute. And he can say it without prompting now.
Ok, the tale goes.. we were playing our game, the "Can you say?" game, where I say "Can you say car, truck, bus etc" and he repeats them back.. it always has a random, "Can you say tickle?" in there, upon which he says it, and I tickle him. He hasn't quite worked out that if he doesn't say it, I won't do it.. I had got as far as, "Can you say...." when the damn dog bit my foot, quite hard, and I completely forgot where I was, and loudly, with perfect enunciation, exclaimed.." Fuck *off* Max.." And then my dear, innocent little boy replied.. "Fuck *off* Max"

Nooooooo.. no, no. Just because I said, "can you say.." I wasn't finishing it with that.. I was finishing it with pillow. Just to make matters better, Lal's friend at nursery is called Max. Guess what Lal told him to do when he got to nursery this morning? I had to stand in the corner and write lines. And I now need to try and teach him another sentence. Balls.

In other words, Lal can now say Fire Engine. His nursery worker asked me this morning if Lal had been experimenting with cannabis.. huh? What? It's just that he says it "fie engeen" complete with relaxed voice and slight head nod, like some Rastafarian after a particularly good bong.*

Oh, and also, G apparently needs glasses. Not for all the time, just for reading, looking at the board at school, computer, tv.. so everything she does then. She is not amused. Braces, and now glasses. She says she's the before picture in all those American teen comedies where the ugly duckling gets the Prom King at the end of the film. But it'll be years before she looks even half way decent.

Max the puppy starts his first playgroup next week - Puppy Socialisation Classes. For goodness sake. What has the world come to? The dog now needs his own space on the Family Timetable calender in the kitchen. Gah.

Ok, got to go.. he can get upstairs, but can't get back down again and gets so upset by the fact that he can't get down, he piddles in K's shoes. Might leave him up there actually...

K x

*no idea if that is a good analogy, I'm going by Tv impersonations..

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