Thursday, 12 February 2009

'leep time? Kay..

When was it decided that it's a good idea to teach children to share? Who had the brainwave one day? Give me his name (it was bound to be a man) and I'll kill him.

I'm ill. The sicky bug that enveloped the children has opened its arms and included me. I can't quite remember much about last night and most of today.. I'm sure I spent a long time getting to know Messrs Armitage and Shanks though.

G woke this morning utterly refreshed, but still unable to attend school (damn the 24 hour rule) She is definitely going back tomorrow though - it's the last day to buy tickets for the school disco on Friday night and she absolutely *can't* miss that. Social suicide apparently.

Lal stayed home from nursery as well. Mainly because I couldn't move well enough to get him there. He's been fine all day, nothing wrong with him at all. His diet has now varied as well. He will now only eat yogurt and gingerbread men. I think it's something to do with what came back up. He longer trusts the cereal bars and carrots not to poison him. Great. *sigh*

Ah yes. I forgot to mention a while ago that Lal sleeps in a Thomas the Tank Engine bed now. A toddler sized one for toddler sized people. He has for a while. But he's not realised (cos he's a bit slow) that there are no bars, and he can escape at will. I first discovered that this morning. He'd obviously been hungry in the night and come downstairs for a snack. Yep. The gingerbread man packet was under his pillow. My fault for not shutting his door fully.. and for not realising that two year old need midnight snacks.

He had a long nap today. Again my fault, I fell asleep too. So, somewhat hopefully, I put him in bed at 10. We had this conversation for the next hour..

Me: Bed time baby.

Lal: Bed? 'kay..

Me: Night night

Lal: Nah Night, 'kay..

Me: Sleep time.. sleep nicely..

Lal: Amen?

Me: No baby, we did Amen already.. now it's time for sleepy bye byes.

Lal: Leep time nice. Nah Night.

**leaves room and goes downstairs**

**hears Winnie laptop turn on through baby monitor**

**Goes back upstairs**

Me: No Lal. Not now. Winnie is tired and it's bed time..

Lal: Bed? 'kay

Repeat from step one. For an hour.

I'm putting the cot back up in the morning.

K x

Tuesday, 10 February 2009

The sick call..

Just a quick one before I disappear back to the San. for the rest of the day..

Lal's bug doesn't seem to be going away. He is playing the tragic hero to the hilt and loves the fact that illness seems to signify more dummy time.

Morning was going well.. I was in and out of the house (bin day.. had 4000 recycling things that hadn't been sorted. I sort of heard the phone, but didn't rush to get it. The marvels of 1471 (when will I consider that *not* new, btw?) means I can call people back.

Just sat down to my cup of tea when it rang again..

Hello.. can I speak to Mrs S please?


Hi.. it's the nurse from SJP school.. we have been trying to call you for an hour.. we have your daughter G here.

(with trepidation and no small amount of guilt) Oh?

Yes, she's got a high temperature, has been very sick and is shaking.

Nooooooo.. not another one. Can you keep her there?

Umm (voice goes quiet as she wonders whether I'm serious) Actually, we'd rather you came to pick her up.

Are you sure? I've already got one sick one and having another here would radically raise the probability of me coming down with it.And I really really hate sick. It makes me sick and I hate it. Please keep her.. I'm begging you.

Ok. Fine. I'll be there as soon as possible.

Put dressing gown and socks on Lal and sped to the school. Of course the world and his car had decided that they found the swollen and burst it's banks river fascinating and had slowed down to watch.. so the traffic was a nightmare.

Collected G. She looks like a ghost and can't stop shivering. 6 times on the way back she was sick in the car. I did find a bag for the 5 times, but the first now needs cleaning up. She tried to aim for out the window, but her vomiting precision is not as good as her shooting.

Lal decided that the best thing for him to do to divert attention away from G was to alternate being sick with screaming about the "raffic.... no cars. MOVE"

My car smells nice. I need to win the lottery now.. am considering scrapping this car and just buying a new one rather than cleaning it out. I hate sick. *shudders*

And I now hear the needy whining ones. Smashing.

K x

25 things you didn't know

about me! This is doing the rounds at the moment.. and I have no exciting life news to share yet, so thought it would do the job for tonight. (Oh.. will just say, weekend of relaxation and pj time was a bust. Lal had violently sicky tummy bug. Only wanted mummy. Daddy can go jump in a frozen lake when Lal wants mummy. They came home at 2pm on Saturday. G was almost refused entry back *into* the country as customs decided that they needed a letter from me. No idea why.. I thought the point would be that they wouldn't let her out...)


  1. My first name is actually Anna. But with my surname, I chose to use my middle name. It's so I don't get confused with a certain sex shop.

  2. My married name and maiden name is the same. I didn't marry my brother though.. he's not any relation at all.

  3. I get childishly happy when I'm driving and it's raining and I go under a bridge. Just for the 3 second silence inbetween the rain starting...... and stopping.

  4. I truly believed that my dad's car had voice activated windscreen wipers. He'd say "Wipe windscreen wiper.. Wipe" and it would. When I bought my first car, I asked the salesman if the voice activation came as standard.

  5. No matter how hot it is, I'm always cold.. so constantly wear my dressing gown over my clothes.

  6. My brothers still call me Clock and Cakey. Apparently I couldn't say Chocolate or Katie. They think it's cute. It's not.

  7. I used to play netball at County level. I then started smoking.

  8. According to G (who went to my old school for a hockey match) I still hold the 100m record.

  9. I'm only up to number 9 and I can't think of anything else.

  10. Since K and I split up, I haven't been able to sleep upstairs, so have a bed that is disguised as a sofa in the playroom. Usually fall asleep on the sofa though.

  11. I am addicted to Lost and regularly fantasise that Jack will appear and ask me to marry him.

  12. I'd do it too.

  13. I suffered from anorexia in my teens, and still struggle with food now. Unless super stressed I manage to maintain a healthy weight though.

  14. I cannot knit, sew or mend anything to save my life. My school friends tried for two years to teach me how to make frienship bracelets, but I could never do it.

  15. I once got my foot stuck down a drain in Austria and had to but cut out by the fire brigade.

  16. I broke my collar bone throwing a rounders ball.

  17. I'm extremely accident prone.

  18. I was the only child out of my "gang" who had enough stupidity courage to ride my BMX over Stinging Nettle Hill. (It was basically a mound that was covered in stinging nettles.)

  19. Dock leaves don't work. And the itchingly painful bumps don't go down for days. Neither did the slap that my mum gave me for being such an idiot.

  20. I had an Austin Mini named Kenneth that nearly killed me on at least three occasions. (The front wheel fell off when I went round a roundabout, the petrol leaked out the back as I was driving home - I was smoking and had no idea where to throw my cigarette.. you can't outrun petrol you know.. and the only way to get into the back/passenger side was to climb in throught the driver's door)

  21. Oh God... 4 more to go.

  22. I'm very easily distracted. I started writing this at 9pm, it's now 11.53.

  23. Whilst on our honeymoon, I had to make a choice between saving our camera from falling off a boat or my cigarettes. The cigarettes won. K never forgave me.

  24. I only drink diet coke (caffeine free at the moment) or Tetley tea. And I have 3.5 to 4 sugars (depending on the mug size)

  25. Last one.. woohoo.. I love watching The Biggest Loser, So You Think You Can Dance.. all the rubbish reality programmes, but can't stand Big Brother.

There! All done.

K x

Friday, 6 February 2009

One down..

I can't wait for this weekend to arrive properly. G has gone away again. I swear, that child has more of a social life at 12 than I have had ever. She's gone to Belguim for the weekend to see her friend. Oh, the friend's dad has the best job ever.. he works for the Commonwealth Graves Commission, so gets transferred all over the world to make sure they are all kept properly. I'd love to do that. Anyway.. I distracted myself. So, G's gone. She took at least 4 different outfits, hair straighteners and 201 songs on her mobile, so she should be fine. She'll be back on Sunday at 6.

Lal is also disappearing off tomorrow to do fun Daddy type things for the weekend, so I'll be all alone. Except for the fish and the cat. Who are all trying my patience with their refusal to die. Seriously. I am not an animal hater to all animals. Just the ones that live here. Poppy has decided that it's too cold to go outside to poo, so her place of preference is the front door mat. Only badly brought up cats use the litter tray apparently.

So... my plans for this weekend: (*crosses fingers that formatting will work this time..*)

  • Talk on MSN until 2am again, like I did last night, but without the pressure to be up and dressed for 7

  • Wave goodbye to Lal at 10.30

  • Have long hot bath, read book in bath, wash hair

  • Get into clean pyjamas

  • Put on dressing gown

  • Move laptop to sofa and watch Sky plussed programmes/ bc surf all day.

  • Repeat above point for evening

  • And night

  • Sunday... exactly as above..without the waving off of Lal

  • Get dressed at 5.55, just before everyone gets home

  • Sulk when they are all late and grumble that I could have stayed in my pj's for hours more.

Sounds brilliantly productive doesn't it? I can't wait.

K x

Thursday, 5 February 2009

Little Red Riding Hood.. G style

I'm in a mood tonight. A bad one. I won't write anything else I'll offend everyone and you'll all flounce and there will be emails and stuff. Suffice it to say, I am not the happiest bunny in bunnyland. Life is still magical and wonderful and all that malarky, but I think I'm better enjoying it whilst watching tv in a room where I can't make anybody feel smaller than a small thing in a very tiny room.

So I'm sharing the story G wrote when she was 9. Her take on Little Red Riding Hood.She got bored at the end.

(Oh,.. and many thanks for all the birthday suggestions. I'm currently in talks with K to allow either the nightclub thingy, or a massive party for 100 people at our local swimming pool - £12 for the whole thing - suggested by sillyrabbit, Helen. All advice was much appreciated.)

Little red riding hood

Once open a time there lived a family of three. The mother’s name was Annie Riding Hood, the father was Arthur Riding Hood and their child’s name was Little Red Riding Hood. One day her grandmother and grandfather became very ill because an evil wolf had put them under a spell and the only way to get out of the spell was to kill the wolf. Little Red Riding Hood and her parents did not know this so Little Red Riding Hood asked if she could take some cakes and flowers to make them feel a bit better. Her mother agreed. "But” said her father “remember that there are wolves out there waiting for some innocent people. Asking them where they are going, then saying good day and running away to the place where he or she had told them were they were going. Then they would eat all the people there and pretend to be that person and then they eat you too! So be careful when you are out there and don’t talk to anyone you don’t know.” Little Red Riding Hood promised that she would not talk to anyone.

As she walked out the door she was hoping that she would not run in to the wolves on her trip. Her grandparent’s house was on the other side of the wood. She did not feel safe with the wolves running about. As she stopped to catch her breath she saw a youth cutting down an old tree. She thought that he might be able to go with her on her trip. So she went up to him and said “Sorry to bother you but will you accompany me on my trip to my grandparents’ house?” “Yes of course I will. I feel a bit scared with the wolves running around myself.” So they set off to her grandmothers and grand fathers’ house.

On the way they saw bears, lions, rabbits eating the lions (this was a very strange wood indeed!) It was getting near bedtime for Little Red Riding Hood so she said to the youth “Do you know anywhere where we can sleep for the night because my mum thinks I am spending the night at Grandmas but we got a bit behind schedule.”

“Yes I do have a little cottage that I live in with my wife Mary and I don’t think she would mind you staying the night”. That night they slept in a small cottage with a leak in the thatched roof. They had breakfast and got changed into some new clothes and set off again. That day as they walked past some flowers they saw something move in the distance. They thought it might have been a bear, late for the teddy bears picnic again. But all of a sudden a small animal cried for help. Little Red Riding Hood ran to see what was making the noise so she could help the poor creature. The youth told her it was a trap but she did not listen to him because she suddenly thought that he was one of the wolves!!!! So she kept running towards Grandmas house. Hoping that she could open the door with her key and phone her Mummy and Daddy to come and pick her up in the car. But all of a sudden she realised that she had run right into wolf territory. She daren’t move in case a wolf saw her and attacked. She knew now that the youth was right, it was a trap. She hoped that the youth might swing to her rescue but in fact he ran home, got his armour and sword and ran to the place where Little Red Riding Hood stood, frozen in terror. He flung out his sword to kill the wolves hoping that he would be able to save Little Red Riding Hood from the danger.

All of a sudden, the bears from the Teddy Bears Picnic said, “Sorry to bother you, but if I take a left will that take me to Amarillo?” With that the Teddy Bear’s burst into a big song and dance number!

“Is this the way to Amarillo?

I’m a bear who’s lost my pillow!

And I can’t sleep without it now!!...”

“No sorry” said the youth “You take a left, then follow the dancing penguins, then take the first turning on the right and follow the signs. You can’t miss it!” “Thanks,” said Fred Bear. “Now, where were we?” said the youth. The wolves said “I don’t know! But we won’t eat if you tell us where you are going!”

”Never!!” said the youth. “We won’t go anywhere without a fight!!”

In saying that Little Red Riding Hood ran for her life! So the youth said “Ok….. I won’t go anywhere without a fight!!” and then feeling really scared, he ran for his life too!

Within a few hours he caught up with Little Red Riding Hood and said “That’s the wrong way your grandparents house. It is the other way”

“Oh. Well. You. could. Have. Told. Me.” She said, trying to catch her breath! “But I don’t want to go there any more. I think that I will go home and take the car BECAUSE THE WOLVES ARE RIGHT BEHIND US.” She shouted at the top of her voice, and with that ran towards her house. Her mother and father we’re relieved that she had not been eaten by the wolves. She said “Mummy! Daddy! This is youth, we are running away from the wolves and if you would not mind taking us to Grandma and Grandpa’s house.” “Yes of course we will. But I am a little scared about the wolves.” Said Annie.

“Don’t worry about them we can run over them with the car because they always travel in groups.”

So they got in the car (after the youth had got changed into some of Arthur’s Riding Hood’s clothes) Arthur put his foot on the peddle and didn’t take it off until they had got to Grandma and Grandpa’s house. But to their surprise Grandma was doing yoga in the lounge and Grandpa was getting ready for a run. “I don’t understand they we’re ill and were in bed.” Said Little Red Riding Hood. “No, the wolves put us under a spell that kept us ill for all that time.” Said Grandma.

And they all laughed and lived happily ever after.

The end

Wednesday, 4 February 2009

The sound..

Last night, at 11.30, I was sitting a relaxing and buying nappies when I heard the sound. A cross between a giggle and a hello. The sound that strikes terror into the very core of me. I ignored it and continued drinking my tea. And then there was the thump. And a bang. And a little boy came downstairs, head first.. with his Winnie the pooh laptop in his hand. Although I tried to ignore it, the laptop was turned on.. the noises started, and the alphabet was suddenly being quoted. I still tried ignoring it, only to be told "watch mama, now" and saw the laptop being hurled towards me out of the corner of my eye.

And then the television was turned on. Did you know that at midnight a two year old will find CSI Vegas absolutely fascinating and hilarious? I can only hope the Autopsy scenes haven't scarred him for life, or turned him into a future serial killer. He did love watching the heart explode though..

And (again) why are children so much cleverer at night? Throughout the day, Lal is fairly silent in terms of advancement and words, he'll just muddle through, but at bedtime and middle of the night wakings he's a veritable font of ingenuity and brilliance.

He kept faking going back to bed, carrying his bean bag upstairs, lying on it and say "night" but never with any real intention of sleeping. he, of course, found this hilarious too, and everytime I kissed him and tucked him back in bed, he'd just giggle, roll over, tell me he was cute and come back downstairs.

I eventually gave in at 2 and took him to bed with me, where I spent the entire night fighting for control of the duvet and mattress. He likes to turn sideways, curled up in the foetal position.. lull me into falling asleep, and then extend his legs and push me onto the floor. I'm exhausted, he's at school and I'm considering leaving him there.

And now to the help. I am clueless. Well yes, but this time it's about children's parties. Sorry teenager's parties. G turns 13 on feb 21st and she hasn't had a proper party since she was 7. Several theatre trips with friends, swimming trips, that sort of thing.. but she would like something a bit more special now she's going to be a proper teenager. I have looked into hiring our parish hall, but that will cost £75 for the night, £275 for a disco man.. and that doesn't even include food, cake, decorations and her presents.. I'm a bit crunched at the moment, so can't really afford to spend that sort of money. It's likely to be £1000 by the time I'm done.. insert shocked smiley that denotes heart attack here...

Can anyone please help as to what a 13 year old would consider a suitable celebration? I'm not having anything here. House isn't equipped to handle 30 teenagers, and to be frank, neither am I. G's only suggestion is going to the underage night at a local nightclub. I don't think I need to tell you my response to that!

Any help gratefully received.

An exhausted,

Katie x

Monday, 2 February 2009


We had snow! That's right.. in the deepest heartest wildest parts of Essex, there was actual snow. We haven't had the proper stuff since G was 7, so that's.. well years. Her school was closed, the postman couldn't deliver my nappies.. snow! I love it. I also love how our country deliberately falls to pieces when there is snow, just so children can have an extra day off school, and workers can stay home and play. Pah to the countries who plan for days like these.. let's be fair.. is it worth our councils spending billions and trillions to protect us from the one day a year it gets too much? My usual answer would be no, it isn't fair.. but as G is being a brat child and there's the outside chance that her school will be closed again tomorrow..I'm begging.. spend the money!

Just briefly.. she was away doing some cadet training this weekend. Went Friday night and came back Sunday afternoon. I asked her to send me a text and let me know she got there safely. I received "here" at 9.15, which I thought was supremely descriptive. Sunday's text read "I've got up at 5 every day. Tired. Past (*sigh*) Arms text" Which a) everyday is hardly correct.. it was twice.. and b) *That's* what we do with moody teenagers these days.. we arm them. When she got back, she showed me her Test Fire sheet.. from a distance of 100m, lying down, she can shoot a perfect rectangle. I am now terrified of her. And maybe won't tell her off again. Ever.

So.. back to the snow. Lal, once again, has issues with it. He was all for the cold white stuff. Thought it was excellent, fun, super.. all the Enid Blyton words in fact.. but then came the problem. Where the *hell* was Pingu? He wasn't in the back garden, the front garden, under the 10 foot deep snow on the car, anywhere of the 0.5 mile walk to the shop (which was *really* fun.. whose stupid idea was it to walk the pushchair up to the shop? In very deep snow. *sigh*) All the time we were outside, the only sound Lal made was "Pingu? Pingu? Gu? Are ou? Piiiiiiiingu?" When it became apparent that Pingu only lives in tv snow, and not real snow, he cried for an hour. An hour. And would not be mollified. Pingu lives in snow. We had snow. Ergo.. Pingu is here.

I think we need to get a penguin for the garden.

K x

(Ps: G, after being away all weekend, at home doing nothing all day, was asked to do her homework at 6pm. She refused. I insisted. Refusal and insistance. She was then sent to her room. She has been throwing a rubber ball at the wall in her room for the last 3 hours and 12 minutes. Every 8 seconds. She will not beat me. I am being the bigger person and am ignoring her. I *think* she may possess more determination as I am being driven insane. And am now typing to the beat of the damn ball bounce...)