Friday, 30 January 2009

To the shops..

Lal loves shopping. Actually, that's not quite true. He loves our little parade of shops. We go to them everyday, I'm forever posting packages for ebay, my website sales, nappies, so know everyone up there quite well.

It's only a small parade, a chip shop that also does chinese, an off license, a Co op, Man who sells everything and anything, Bookies, Paper Shop and Post Office.

First stop is always the Post Office. The man knows us well and is forever asking me how on earth I make money on ebay as he doesn't understand computers at all. He's even more perplexed by the nappy business. Once inside, Lal runs to the counter and says hello. He then runs to the end of the shop and starts playing with the buttons. Now, picture a huge wine rack type thingy, with hundreds of plastic tubes of buttons in it. In between me weighing and paying for postage, I have to run backwards and forwards stopping Lal from removing every single tube. If I don't ask him nicely, we have the loudly entertaining tantrum of "Butttttttooooos" (buttons.. yep, he calls them but tooo's) Post man finds this highly amusing and offers to sell me all the buttoos every day. Lal then likes to stand behind the door, waiting for some unsuspecting person to open it into him, so he can pretend he has been flung backwards through the shop. Drama prince..

Post office done, we head to the Co Op for whatever I've forgotten to buy from Tesco. Usually milk and bread. Lal loves this shop like no other. He will run in, touch the baskets, shout "mook" at the milk and then start his circuits. Literally. Run past the bread, turn left at the cakes and biscuits, stop to inspect the washing powder.. and spend 2 mins examining the toothbrushes. before pronouncing them to be actual toothbrushes at anyone who happens to be near. We then have the ritual of *just* not touching the ice cream bin, "hot" (everything I don't want him to touch is Hot. Just easier that way.. he knows to ignore it then) He makes sure everyone knows it's hot, and then starts another circuit. Tries the door flinging trick again, but it's glass so no one throws him across the shop.. and then watches the Lottery Advert with rapt fascination. (You know. the little tv's that have balls with £100K on them, that bounce down..) he has to count the balls, says the letters, and shout "egg" at the tv. Maybe I should write to the lottery people and tell them that the balls aren't quite circular enough..

And then to the Off Licence.. not because I need my daily alcohol fix, they sell Dime bars and cheap toilet roll... And my cigarettes.. there, I said it. Happy now? Lal immediately heads to the little vegetable bit and attempts to take a bite out of the cabbage. Yep.. he'll eat it from there, but when I take one home and cook it for him? No chance. He then has his ice cream. Now, opinions are divided here.. one of the women thinks that I am the cruellest parent in the world.. the other thinks I'm evil *and* funny. I *may* have told Lal that eating ice cream is when you lick the picture of the side of the display cabinet. So he always has a quick bite, and the nice lady gives it a wash when she sees him coming. I don't want him eating dirty ice cream after all.

By the time we are ready to head back to the car, we go past the man who sells anything and everything shop, and we have to stop and label the things hanging from his awning. It goes Broom, Broom, Mop, Mop, Brush (indoor) Broom, Mop, Mop, Hanging Toy Tidy, Broom. Usually. there was that one day when it went Hanging Toy Tidy, Broom, Broom, Mop, Mop, Brush, Mop, Broom, Mop... but Sid learnt from the tantrum and has never mis hung them again.

Now do you see why I didn't do a proper written version of the Day in the Life of Lal? I'd have been here for years.

K x

If I had three wishes..

Wishes? Depends what day you ask me..

Today they would be:

  1. That this damn cold would go away. It's the third one since December. I know I provide a hospitable environment for them, what with the red weeping nose, the sore chapped lips, and end stage lung cancer sufferes cough.. but I'm fed up with it. And I'm spending a fortune in tissues. (ooh, the antibacterial ones are good... if a little slimy)

  2. That G could move past the completely horrible, rude, ignorant, hair jutting out of the side of her head (80's style) gangsta-esque, wanna be street walker style of dressing, teenagerhood. Before I make her live in the attic where she can learn ballet, eat poisoned donuts and sleep with her same age brother. (Not that she has one.. but points if you guessed the book)

  3. That Lal would stay this age for a while - albeit learn to talk properly, eat properly and not keep trying to eat the television. He's very cute and I like being with him at the moment.

  4. In between the 2nd and 3rd wish there was a wish for more wishes. The final ones would include the obligatory world peace, end to famine and strife, that I'd win a huge lotto jackpot.(Wished I could win the lottery last week.. got £10.. must learn to be more specific..God is just toying with me now..) And as I just read Lynda's journal.. That Jack from Lost would finally realise that his home is here with me..

(Love the new look BC.. it's fancy. Only time will tell if my formatting will remain the same after I hit post though...)

Thursday, 22 January 2009

Don't let the door hit you on the way out..

So, I took Lal to heaven nursery this morning. Excited squeal started as we got to our front door. He now runs outside to get to the car, and attempts to climb in through the metal. All the while chanting "scool scool.." Got him there, changed his shoes to indoor shoes, took off his coat.. whilst he ran into his room. Hugged air and stood in the dooway to sign him in. He looked at me and said "Bye.." I didn't move as I was waiting for the sign in sheet. He looked at me, stamped his feet and said "Bye. Bye" I still didn't move. He looked at me, said "BYE" walked towards me and slammed the door shut on my head. Literally. I had a mark. Parental abuse that is. I heard one of the nursery staff promise to sign him in, through the shut door. Nice hey? He loves me so much. Pfft. That's the last time I give birth (Oh dear God, I hope so..)

Picked him up at 12, he went to each of his keyworkers and said, "Bye.. nice time." And disappeared off again in search of home. Still no luck with any form of pencil to paper action, but he has started looking at the snacks the other children get. They only give them pieces of fruit.. Lal won't eat that, so has to take Gingerbread men in from home. That's my boy *sigh*

Other than that.. nothing today. Had to sign the forms for G to go away for the weekend with cadets. It's some form of Basic Training.. if she passes a weekend without hair straighteners and make up, I think she becomes a fully fledged Cadet. Not to sure of her chances to be honest.. She's started coming home from school with her eyes so painted with kohl, she can barely see. It's an attractive look.. and one she's not allowed to leave the house with.. Coming home with it is apparently ok.

And finally.. ahh.. my nappies. I photographed some last night. Please forget that I had another full load in the washing machine and a few drying. These are just my pretty ones.. I *think* I have a problem. Do they do a form of NappiesAnonymous? Would I have to attend weekly meetings?


And Lal.. in his new Wool Longies. He wears a normal fitted nappy underneath, no wrap.. cos the wool is waterproof


I really do have a problem.. ah well. K xx

Wednesday, 21 January 2009

It's a bit early..

I've been so tired ever night that I haven't had the energy to blog for the last week. Don't know what the matter with me is. I'm just hoping that I'm not super fertile and won't be suffering the after effects of my drunken date with K for the next 9 months. Oops. So, I'm not thinking about that. Not at all.

I got a phone call yesterday from Hushy.. she's done it.. has booked the flights for her and all her children and husband to come to stay with me for their summer holiday. 1st of August, my house of three will become a house of nine for 5 days. I'm very excited.

But then the Monica in me came out. By 2pm yesterday I had bought paint for the redecoration required. Because, you know, can't expect her to stay in a non freshly painted house. I bought a couple of camp beds for her boys to sleep on. I got the travel cot down from the loft for Millie and for a brief moment I started emptying drawers in G's bedroom so that Devon has somewhere to unpack her things. Hushy and her dh will be sleeping in my room, so I need a new mattress.. mine is old and uncomfortable.. and Lal and Millie will share. They'll only be 2.5, it'll be fine.

It was when I was in Tesco, with nappies for Millie in my trolley, and Hushy's number half dialled on my phone (wanted to ask what snacks the boys liked) that I realised that I have 7 months before they get here.

Yep, 7 months. I *think* I could leave it a week or two before I start the preparations in earnest. That doesn remind me that I really do need to sort the garden out so they boys have somewhere to play football without impaling themselves on a dying rose... If only the stupid knee deep frost would go...

I definitely need to win the lottery so I can get started on the extension on the back of the house... Of course if I won the lottery I might cancel this holiday and book us all on flights to DisneyWorld.. or somewhere with sun and a beach. And a Children's Club. And long tall glasses of alcohol. If I can still drink by then.

So.. just a little excerpt from my mind, and how it works. Scary huh?


Sunday, 11 January 2009

The date

No update last night. I was in the terror stage of actually having to put proper clothes out and go out with a man I've only known for 20 years.

I dropped the children off with my parents at around 4 and came home to get ready. Now then.. as there hasn't been a man in my life for quite some time, I had some preparation to do. First to go was the disastrous orange hair that I hadn't quite got around to redying since umm... September. I now have a nice shade of brown again. Virtually my own shade and the lesson is learnt. I will not put a home dye blonde on my hair again. Not until the next time I get bored anyway. Then the legs. Oh my goodness. I'm not joking when I say that three razors whimpered and died before I'd finished. What? It's winter and I wear trousers.. there is no need to shave. Must admit the Quilted Velvet toilet roll patches stuck to the cuts wasn't a look that I had completely planned, but I made it work.

To make a point, I wore the infidelity dress that K brought back from America after his dalliance with the ...*inserts BLEEP*.. person. I thought he'd appreciate that.

He picked me up at 7.30 and off we went. Picture the romance of the night.. thick frost making everything glisten and sparkle, a deep fog making the lamp light shine in muted shades of orange, me moaning that I was about to freeze to death and couldn't he turn the heating up in the car. He finally gave in and found me his gym tracksuit bottoms from the gym bag and I put them on under the dress, You honestly can't say that I don't have style..

We got to the restaurant (I did remember to remove the trousers first) and ordered food and wine. We talked a lot, had a lovely time. And then he ordered a second and fatal bottle of wine.

I have no memory of the rest of the night. There are a few blurs but nothing substantial. I do recall waking up at 4am at his flat.. in a state of well.. yes. I recall using his phone to order a cab. I recall getting dressed and coming home. I think I remember falling into my bed at 4.30 fully dressed.

As I said, my parents had the children, and I thought we'd arranged it that I would pick them up in the afternoon. But at 8.30 I was woken by fists hammering on the door. My lovely and delightful mother had brought them home. She took one look at me, still dressed in the infidelity dress, and gave me the same look that mums have perfected the world over. Disgust and disappointment. Ah well. It wouldn't be my life if I didn't make her shake her head and cry! Cool

I haven't yet spoken to K today. I'm ignoring the phone calls. I was supposed to be taking things slowly, not having a one night stand with my husband, dammit.

And I owe G about a million pounds for how well she looked after Lal today. Except for one moment. She was sitting on her high sleeper bed, doing her homework, when she noticed that her bag was on the floor. Instead of climbing down to get the bag, she decided to lean down to get it. And then had to use her emergency voice to call me when she got stuck. Hanging upside down off her bed. I wonder where she gets her sense from?

A very hungover and ashamed..

K xx

Friday, 9 January 2009

The Science Experiment

A bit of a nothing day today really. Lal woke up at 7, went to nursery at 9.. I poddled (is that a word) on the computer for a while until I could put off cleaning no more. I now have a shiningly sparkling clean home. Or I did until they both came home and messed it up again.

As I got to the nursery, the staff informed me that Lal was tired and had sort of flaked onto the floor. As I entered the room, sure enough, he was lying there, spreadeagled.. with his fingers up his nose. Lovely. That's my boy. A model of decorum and manners.

We got home and he took himself off to bed. No lunch, nothing. He then slept for 3 hours and 26 minutes. Honestly.. by two my nerves were getting frazzled and the dread of what would happen tonight was killing me. I even tried rehoovering his room in an effort to wake him.. nothing doing.

It's 10.55 and he went to bed 25 minutes ago. And I'm now exhausted.

What else did I learn today?

Ooh.. a good one. You know that I am a neat freak with slob tendancies? You know, everything perfect and neat on the outside, but open a cupboard and you're likely to be crushed in the deluge of stuff that falls out.. that thing. Well my car is an extension of that cupboard. I keep looking at the 14 socks that are in there and keep meaning to take them out.. but it's cold, so they can wait until summer. My point.. I did have one.

Ah yes, in the bit between the passenger and drivers chair, there is a cup holder. About a week before Christmas, I got the children and me a Drive Through MacDonalds. G ordered a lemonade and put it in the cup holder. It's still there. It's now a very important science project. Did you know that within 3 weeks MacDonalds lemonade will eat through the paper cup and seep out to fill a cupholder? I didn't.. but everytime I go round a roundabout, I get slightly wet. *Must* remember to take that out tomorrow.

And the final thought for tonight.. a little treat. Lal made a phone call earlier.. to 123.. just ring them yourself and see who answers.. it's lovely. Honestly. And then tell me if it's possibly the last person you ever thought would answer.

I'm off to soak in a hot bath and try to forget that Lal was up for three hours past his normal bedtime..

Thursday, 8 January 2009

The results..

Firstly.. getting ready for the off..


See how happy in his nappy?


Just checking he won't miss anything good on the tele..


And an action shot..

See how smart he looked? See the big turn ups on his trousers? My little shorty boy.

Right.. as I suspected, I was grilled thoroughly about his eating habits (lol.. see what I did? Grilled.. I didn't mean to) for 30 mins actually. Have I tried leaving bits of food around the house? Yes. Have I tried making mealtimes exciting? Yes. Have I tried pureeing it into mush and getting it in via drip or ng tube? No.. but it's an idea. Ok, the last one may have been my suggestion. I have to buy him vitamins. And keep trying to tempt him with something that isn't a gingerbread man.

I also got told off for not doing enough imaginative role play. Seriously. The girl who was tested before us, made the health visitor a nice cup of pretend tea. Lal attempted to walk with the teapot balanced on his head.

Umm.. he could do the puzzle, but got mightily annoyed as one of the pieces had lost its knobby bit.. so threw it first, then picked it up, and put it in the bin. Well.. if they are going to have toys.. at least make sure they are all in working order.

We were in there for an hour! An hour. And those of you who know me, know how nervous I can get when I have run out of things to say.. so I kept babbling on about nothing in particular until she finally got around to weighing him.. which was the only test I was really interested in.

He wouldn't stand on the big boy scales, he wouldn't sit on the baby scales - even though she helpfully sang Twinkle Twinkle . He just threw a pretend plate at her. Finally we resorted to weighing us both together, then me and doing a complicated mathematical equation. Subtraction then.

He weighs a massive 27lbs 12oz.. which puts him bang on the 50th centile. After spending most of his life languishing on the 2nd, this is amazing, especially considering his diet. And don't think I didn't say that.. ha.. lectures be damned.

Height, however, is another story. She did say that she couldn't be accurate - especially as everytime we got him standing straight, he would ever so slowly bend his knees as soon as she got the measuring thingy lined up. Got quite comical after a while. He is around 81cm. 2nd centile. Takes after me in other words. Great.

And that was it. I have to imaginatively play with him more.. force more speech and rig a dripping device to feed him meat whilst he sleeps.

Oh, the very best part.. at the end, after she'd given me my red book back, thank goodness, he ran away up the corridor, and started repeatedly banging on a door. I tried to get him away, but he did the toddler loose all ability to stand and fold into a limp mess on the floor... Could not get him away from the door.. Looked up, and in nice big letters, it said : "Stop Smoking Clinic" The little grass. At least he didn't do it at the beginning, I'd have been in there for another hour getting another lecture.


K xx

Wednesday, 7 January 2009


Lal has his two year check tomorrow. Oh my.. the angst. I'm not sure if I should feel flattered or mildly concerned that the health visitor actually rang me to make sure I'm coming.. she can't possibly have heard about the frog pronunciation disaster, surely? But off tomorrow at 11 we will go. He has his best nappy ready to go, just in case she checks - or oh my goodness, should he be potty trained yet? He knows what the potty is.. a very hard hat that he can be Bob the Builder in.. but not to use it for any sort of bodily functions.. Oh, the nappy is a Blueberry Minky Side Snap Cowhide.. In case you were interested.

He'll be wearing smart shirt and cords. Without stains, tears or creases. Maybe even a sweater vest over it in case she thinks I dont care if he's cold. And socks and shoes obviously.

I'll curl his hair nicely (yay the curls are coming back) and try to tame the back so it stops sticking out - he's *not* having it cut again.

I'll even wear my "too good to wear on a normal day" clothes and shoes. And put on make up - not too much.. don't want to appear too eager for him to pass.

And so to the revision. From reading general things on various boards, I'm concerned. Apparently the child has to be able to do the following:

Gross Motor Skills
• Walking & Running without falling - Check. Although forgets to look up sometimes and runs into trees. Will only start running if someone says "Ready Steady Go"
• Able to walk upstairs & downstairs holding on and using two feet per step - Umm, I don't know. He will walk if holding my hands, but prefers to climb up whilst carrying large toys and slide down face first (thanks for teaching him that G)
• Able to throw ball forward without falling over - Yes. Can hit parents in face at a distance of 5 feet
• Walks into ball to kick it - No. Balls are to be loved or thrown. Kicking is for wimps. Rugby is the game of choice in this household (thanks K ) so football kicking is not encouraged. *sigh*

Fine Motor Skills
• Builds a tower of 5-6 bricks - Can knock down a tower of 20 bricks. Has forgotten how to use building bricks for building purposes, only hides them on the floor so mummy can break her neck tripping over them. Used to build towers when he was a year old. Now refuses - and my, we have tried over the last few days. He will not play ball (see above)
• Imitates a circular scribble and straight line - Considers pencils, paper, crayons, pens and paints to have been invented by the devil. Will not contaminate his body by touching them. Revision of drawing has proved unsuccessful.
• Able to turn the single pages of a book - Would happily spend all day reading. Current favourite is Anna Karenina.. seriously.. daft child.

• Recognises pictures of animals and everyday objects e.g. cup, apple, banana in picture books - Yes, fingers crossed on "frog" and "house." If you want him to say the words to order, you have a better chance of ice skating in hell. With Mother Teresa.
• No squint seen - No, he can't see a squint.

Communication & Hearing
• Able to name 3-5 pictures or objects - Yes. Hopefully. It depends what mood he is in.
• May have about fifty understandable words and understands more - Words only really understandable to me. And to me. Unless it's frog. But can name all the letters of the alphabet and count to teen.
• Beginning to make little sentences of two words e.g. “mummy’s keys” - Nope. No stringing together of words. But he does know the anti theft warning/anti piracy warning at the start of the Bear In The Big Blue House Video.
• Able to tell you what he needs - Will grab hand and lead me to the drinks cupboard if thirsty. Will climb onto kitchen table and jump onto highchair if hungry.
• Able to carry out simple instructions - LOL. That's a joke yes? Me: "Lal.. this way, lets get in the car.." Me: Watch Lal run in opposite direction.

Social Skills & Behaviour
• Plays with toys meaningfully and in make believe play - Nope.. not at all. His little imagination is reserved for books. Unless you count smashing Emily and Jake's heads together (dolls)
• Has little idea of sharing but may be beginning to take turns - LOL again.. nope. Although he is very gentle when removing my hand from his toy.
• Plays alongside other children rather than with them - Will ask nursery. I think he likes to pretend that other people don't exist.
• Very possessive of own toys - Couldn't care less about is toys until someone plays with them.. will then insert himself between person and toy. Takes no prisoners.
• Drinks from a cup and able to feed self with spoon - Pah.. can't everyone?
• Very curious and tries to investigate everything and has no concept of danger - I think this one was written for him.
• Temper tantrums when frustrated but easily distracted - Doesn't like it when tantrums are graded. Gets very annoyed. Forgets to tantrum whilst attempting to shout "10.. a 10.." (He's only ever reached 6 on the tantrum scale)
• May have toilet awareness e.g. know when wet or soiled - Ignoring this one completely.. the nappies, the cloth nappies. No toilet training till he's 6.

Things they probably won't be so impressed about:

Can turn on tv, insert dvd into dvd player and press play.

Can put any number of objects down the loo and is seemingly incapable of learning not to.

Will recite the alphabet only when playing with Winnie the Pooh laptop,and all letters come out sounding American.

Will only eat carrots, carrot puffs, cereal bars, yogurt and fruit pots. And gingerbread men...

I don't think we're going to do very well at this test. Ah well. Gets us out of the house at least.

K xx

Sunday, 4 January 2009

So.. that was Christmas

I'm back from my Christmas break.. It was great.. really. Children, presents, excitement... a really restful time. But G is back to school tomorrow, and it's time I got back into blogging. I like blogging, actually, I find myself taking notes of funny things that happen during the day, just so I can write about them at night. I invariably lose the notes, so never have anything much to say.. but the thought is there!

Christmas... Lal's wrapping paper terror came back again. Not surprising that he didn't get over it in the three days since his birthday, but it made Christmas morning a joy. G was ripping into her stuff, Lal sat with his back to everyone in the corner reading a book. His bible actually. Way to make us feel bad that we didn't go to Mass, Lal.. cheers. We had to unwrap all his presents, put them in a pile and cover them with a fleece blanket that he could pull off, before he'd even entertain the idea of looking at them.

The biggest hit was the Bob the Builder Workbench. With it's 1000 decibel speech. And no mute button. I swear the damn thing is alive.. it knows when I'm about to walk past and shouts at me. Very grateful to mum and dad for that one.. I'm left wondering what childhood sins I'm still paying for...

My bestest bestest present, and one that made me consider taking K back, was my dishwasher. It's being fitted tomorrow and I cannot wait. Washing up begone. You have no place in this house anymore..

New Year... Was spent alone. Well half alone. Lal was in bed. To celebrate the advent of 2009, I pressed start on the tumble dryer.. never let it be said that my life lacks excitement! K had taken G to New York to see her cousin - she got back today, went on Tuesday. Absolutely loves it there.. and fits in well with her gangsta ghetto speech style. I spent most of the time she was away trying to work out whether they were 9 hours ahead or behind us. Never did manage it.

Oh, oh.. big news. Nappies. I've become addicted again. Most of my online time now is spent trawling second hand nappy sites, desperate to get a bargain. I have 13 nappies due to arrive in the next few days and I can only remember what 6 of them are. At one point, between Christmas and New Year, I accidentally ordered two lots of the same nappy twice. I mean literally the same, colour style, everything. But with the second hand sites.. you can be sure that there is another mother out there who is equaly as obsessed.. and she will buy them!

And the other big news is that I have a date on Saturday night. I am being taken out for a meal. I'm dating! Of course, I'm dating K, so I know all there is to know about him, but new year, new start. I've decided to give it 3 months. Well date, talk, yadda yadda yadda, and see if there is any chance of marital salvage. If not.. then we're done, but I think 16 years together deserves one more chance before we just give up. No matter what went on.

And the FINAL piece of big news... Lal can now say frog! You know how much of a relief that is. No more swearing at shop keepers.

Got to go.. have to check the nappy sites again, and do my little dance of joy that in 12 hours G will be back at school. And in 36, so will Lal. Happy New Year everyone.

K xx