Tuesday, 29 September 2009


Firstly, and most importantly.. tomorrow, dumb dog aka attack beast aka Max gets his final lot of injections and can finally be taken for walks. Thank God for that. There never was a dog more in need of walking than he. But of course, now start the excuses.

K - The man who bought the dog without consultation and then abandoned the care of said dog to me..

Excuse 1 - Doesn't get home from work until 7.30 and it's dark then.
Excuse 2 - Is very tired when he gets home and hungry and needs food and rest.
Excuse 3 - Thinks that raising the dog will do G good..

and that leads in nicely to:

G- The girl who loved the dog for precisely 29 minutes until she had to pick up a poo

Excuse 1 - Can't take him on a morning walk before school as she has to straighten her hair and that takes at least 33 minutes and if it's not done everyone will laugh at her.
Excuse 2 - (when advised she could get up earlier) She needs at least 10 hours sleep a night and if she doesn't get enough is unable to concentrate at school and will amount to nothing later in life.
Excuse 3 - 13 year olds are not legally allowed to walk dogs unsupervised. (This is unproven as Google refuses to back this up)
Excuse 4 - Mum does nothing all day anyway.

*watches steam rise from top of own head and imagines actually doing nothing all day* Ooh, I can hear Hawaiian music now, and I'm lying on a hammock. Ok, I'm not, well obviously.

And that leaves me. Colour me surprised. So now, in the mornings, I will get up, get Lal up, G up, sort out breakfasts. Get Lal dressed and ready for school. Remember not to just shove a jumper on over my pjs and get dressed properly. (Or if having fallen asleep on the sofa the night before, remember to get changed out of yesterday's clothes) And then take puppy puppington for a walk.. get back, get Lal to nursery.. etc etc etc.

Hands up who knew dog care would be my job? G can't walk him at night when she gets home as it will be dark, and you know, there's the law preventing 13 year olds... yeah, that one. *sigh*

And actually, *sigh* again.
Meh, I'll sort it out, I can with hold computer time from G, and sex from K. I wonder which one of them will break first.

G had a non pupil day today and cleaned and hoovered her room. Seriously, she did. 3 seconds after she'd done it she asked if she could go out, but she did it, so off she went. She was home a little late and before I could say a word, asked if she could take Lal to the park. Awww. He *loves* the park.

40 minutes later I got a desperate phone call as she couldn't make him turn around. He didn't want to go to the swings, he wanted to go to the Skate park a mile away. And she couldn't stop him. There was nowhere I could get to in the car to stop them, so had to allow the skate park trip, where there is a car park, and went to pick them up. Imagine my surprise when I met them,and G was surrounded by her friends. None of Lal's friends were there.. wasn't that lucky for her?

Oh, finally, I knit now. To be fair, my knitting is almost unrecognisable as actual clothes, but I spend a lot of time doing it. A lot of time. I keep falling asleep at 1am, mid stitch. So yeah, expect to see a lot of my lovingly hand knitted family Christmas presents on ebay come January. If I don't give up and pay someone to knit them for me..

K x

Friday, 25 September 2009

Displays of terrible parenting.

Ok, so I am a bad parent. I know that. I have no illusions. I like to lie to the children over mostly inconsequential things - G thought for years that people were kidnapped from car washes and forced to work in Sainsburys, the empty cars in the car park were my proof. She also thought that lamb wasn't meat from baby lambs, but a foodstuff discovered by the Earl of Winship in 1308.
So, little, ordinary things.

But today I surpassed myself. I taught my son, my 2 years and 8 months old son, a complete swearing sentence. It's his only sentence so far, despite his advanced years, but you know.. at least he's not entirely mute. And he can say it without prompting now.
Ok, the tale goes.. we were playing our game, the "Can you say?" game, where I say "Can you say car, truck, bus etc" and he repeats them back.. it always has a random, "Can you say tickle?" in there, upon which he says it, and I tickle him. He hasn't quite worked out that if he doesn't say it, I won't do it.. I had got as far as, "Can you say...." when the damn dog bit my foot, quite hard, and I completely forgot where I was, and loudly, with perfect enunciation, exclaimed.." Fuck *off* Max.." And then my dear, innocent little boy replied.. "Fuck *off* Max"

Nooooooo.. no, no. Just because I said, "can you say.." I wasn't finishing it with that.. I was finishing it with pillow. Just to make matters better, Lal's friend at nursery is called Max. Guess what Lal told him to do when he got to nursery this morning? I had to stand in the corner and write lines. And I now need to try and teach him another sentence. Balls.

In other words, Lal can now say Fire Engine. His nursery worker asked me this morning if Lal had been experimenting with cannabis.. huh? What? It's just that he says it "fie engeen" complete with relaxed voice and slight head nod, like some Rastafarian after a particularly good bong.*

Oh, and also, G apparently needs glasses. Not for all the time, just for reading, looking at the board at school, computer, tv.. so everything she does then. She is not amused. Braces, and now glasses. She says she's the before picture in all those American teen comedies where the ugly duckling gets the Prom King at the end of the film. But it'll be years before she looks even half way decent.

Max the puppy starts his first playgroup next week - Puppy Socialisation Classes. For goodness sake. What has the world come to? The dog now needs his own space on the Family Timetable calender in the kitchen. Gah.

Ok, got to go.. he can get upstairs, but can't get back down again and gets so upset by the fact that he can't get down, he piddles in K's shoes. Might leave him up there actually...

K x

*no idea if that is a good analogy, I'm going by Tv impersonations..

Thursday, 3 September 2009

A couple of things that made me laugh...

Do you remember when...?

It took five minutes for the TV to warm up?
Nearly everyone's Mum was at home when they got home from school?
Nobody owned a purebred dog?
When a shilling a week was decent pocket money?
White dog poo in the street?
You only had to be home when the street lights came on?
Your Mum wore stockings that came in two pieces?
All your male teachers wore ties
Female teachers had their hair done every day and wore high heels?
You got your windscreen cleaned, oil checked, and petrol pumped, without asking, all for free, every time?
Cereals had free toys hidden inside the box?
It was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents?
Schools threatened to keep kids back a year if they failed……and they did?
When a Ford Capri was everyone's dream car?
No one ever asked where the car keys were because they were always in the car, in the ignition, and the doors were never locked?
Lying on your back in the grass with your friends and saying things like, "That cloud looks like a… “
Playing footy and cricket with no adults to help kids with the rules of the game?
Stuff from the shop came without safety caps and hermetic seals because no one had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger?
When being sent to the headmaster's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited you if your parents heard that you had been sent to the headmaster?
And with all our progress, don't you just wish, just once, you could slip back in time and savour the slower pace, and share it with the children of today?
Basically we were in fear for our lives, but it wasn't because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc. Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat!
But we survived because their love was greater than the threat.
Send this on to someone who can still remember Laurel and Hardy, The Famous Five, Secret Seven, Biggles, the Lone Ranger, Phantom, Roy Rogers and Trigger at the flicks.
As well as summers filled with bike rides, cricket games, Hula Hoops, tiger nuts, Frozen jubblies, visits to the beach and lemonade powder.
Didn't that feel good, just to go back and say, "Yeah, I remember that"?
I am sharing this with you today because it ended with a double dare to pass it on.
To remember what a double dare is, read on.
And remember that the perfect age is somewhere between old enough to know better and too young to care.
How many of these do you remember?
Sweet cigarettes, pogo sticks, marbles, Home milk delivery in glass bottles with foil tops
Newsreels before the movie, Sandshoes/Desert wellies, Four digit Telephone numbers
Press button A then button B, 45 RPM records, Hi-Fi s, Metal ice cubes trays, Roneo paper
Spud guns, Ford Capris, Twin Tub washing machines, Izal (germicated)toilet paper
Reel-To-Reel tape recorders, Houses made of cards,Meccano Sets, Anglo/Bazooka Joe pink bubble gum, MoJos/black jacks/fruit salads, Two bob for a gallon of petrol
Do you remember a time when...
Decisions were made by "eeny-meeny-miney-mo"?
"Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest?
It wasn't odd to have two or three "Best Friends".
The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was "boy or girl germs".
Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a catapult.
There were no Saturday morning cartoons with 30-minute adverts for action figures.
Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down was cause for giggles.
The worst embarrassment was being caught playing doctors and nurses by your parents.
Putting playing cards in the spokes that transformed any bike into a motorcycle?
Taking drugs meant the Polio injection in school or Nitty Nora
Water balloons were the ultimate weapon?


Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up
>every two hours?
>If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
>Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are
>Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is
>not enough?
>Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but
>check when you say the paint is wet?
>Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
>Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
>Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a
>revolver at him?
>What is the speed of darkness?
>Are there specially reserved parking spaces for 'normal' people at the
>Special Olympics?
>If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold
>tomorrow, how cold will it be?
>If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing
>Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
>Do you cry under water?
>How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a
>good idea to put wheels on luggage?
>Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars
>to look at things on the ground?
>Did you ever stop and wonder......
>Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze
>these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'
>Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat
>the next thing that comes outta it's bum.'
>Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to
>a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
>Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
>Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't
>point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?
>Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get
>undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
>Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both
>dogs !
>Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream ??
>If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? (This one kills me !!!!)
>If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
>then what is baby oil made from ?
>If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons ?
>Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same
>Stop singing and read on . . . . . .. . . . .
>Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
>Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at
>you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the
>Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

What doesn't make me laugh is my very bored husband taking apart a car engine on our kitchen floor. Whilst being "helped" by the dog and Lal. Hmph.

K x

Tuesday, 25 August 2009

A tale of two..

A daughter's night..

"Mum, can I stay at S's house tonight please?"
"Who is S? I don't think I've ever heard of her before.."
"Oh yeah, she lives over the other side of the park, we've been friends for a week or so."
"Umm, no love, sorry. I'd need to speak to the parents and stuff, not tonight, maybe another time."
"That's just not fair. You never let me do anything."
*hangs up phone*

Daughter then thinks, "Ah, sod it. I'll go anyway.. what harm will it do." And doesn't inform her parents of this plan. Daughter plays on friends Wii, has pizza and chips for dinner. Tell friend's parents that it is perfectly acceptable if she spends the night. Stays up till 2am giggling, joking and having fun. Daughter allows mobile phone to run out of battery and remains completely uncontactable. All night and until 1pm the next afternoon.

A mother's night...

8pm and no child home. She should have been home by 6.30. Where the bloody hell is she?? Ring mobile phone for the 50th time, "Welcome to Orange Ansaphone..." nothing. 9pm.. no child. Father starts walking through the park calling for her. Nothing. 10pm, no child. Father starts driving around the town fruitlessly looking. Nothing. Mother starts to panic. Finds old mobile and starts calling friends. No one has seen her, no one knows where she is. 11pm.. call police. Police start looking, but have no idea where she could be. Mother now screaming inside and watching out the window, but nothing. Father still driving round town.

1am, no child. Nothing. Father still driving, checking people leaving nightclubs, walking through the park and checking ditches. Mother hopes that child is just being a selfish teenager and that she has decided to stay with the nameless friend.

3am, Mother wakes from 30 mins sleep... no child. Starts cleaning and ironing in the hope of finding something to do.

8am, police call announcing they will do a check of friend's mobile number (located on old phone, but switched off when rung) and see if they can locate address.

9am, Police ask for photo of child to circulate round all stations and police officers. Mother breaks down in tears whilst trying to find a nice one and trying not to wonder if it is the last photo.

1pm, child brought home by police.

A daughter's night..

"Mum, can I stay at S's house tonight please?"
"Who is S? I don't think I've ever heard of her before.."
"Oh yeah, she lives over the other side of the park, we've been friends for a week or so."
"Umm, no love, sorry. I'd need to speak to the parents and stuff, not tonight, maybe another time."
"That's just not fair. You never let me do anything."
*hangs up phone*

Daughter then thinks, "Ah, sod it. I'll go anyway.. what harm will it do." And doesn't inform her parents of this plan. Daughter plays on friends Wii, has pizza and chips for dinner. Tell friend's parents that it is perfectly acceptable if she spends the night. Stays up till 2am giggling, joking and having fun. Daughter allows mobile phone to run out of battery and remains completely uncontactable. All night and until 1pm the next afternoon.

She's 13 years old. And so sodding sure of herself, and so selfish. It simply didn't occur to her that we would worry. Not one single thought to let us know where she was. She didn't think.

Of course, there were some comedy moments - who knew that touch screen mobiles were so sodding difficult to work? It took me an hour to work out how to find the contacts screen. I never did figure out how to add a space inbetween words on the text messages. (That wouldn't send cos the phone was broken, grrr)

Couldn't log into her computer as it is password protected. The password hint was "So we go
Up up - do the jump" which google informs me is something to do with LazyTown Live. I tried every single LazyTown permutation, nothing.

So, upshot.. didn't sleep all night (she did) didn't eat (she did) smoked an awful lot (she better not have done) but she is home, alive (for now) and well (again, for now)

And I have had an unpaid cleaner today. Who has washed up, put everything away, cleaned her room, done half the ironing, watered the garden, washed the floors and hoovered upstairs. I have played Mafia Wars on facebook to remove some of my aggression.

K x

Friday, 21 August 2009

Urgh.. nice

I'm a fairly nice person right? Tonight I have allowed the puppy to sit next to me on the sofa and sleep. He is stretched out happily, relegating K to the chair that he is too tall to sit comfortably in... and what is my reward? The gentle lick of a puppy's tongue as I type, the warmth of his little body against my leg? Nope. Farts. Yep. The puppy is flatulent. And OMG does it stink! I keep having to take short little breaths.. urgh. Have tried covering his bottom area with a cushion, but the smell is still escaping. Yuck, yuck, yuck.

Just briefly tonight as I'm tired, and lightheaded from not breathing, a little story..

My, umm, Aunt's husband (who I last saw when I was about 5 and don't know at all, but have to be informed of all the gossip) has just found a lump of some sort and the doctors are worried it is cancer.. The following is a transcript of a conversation my other Aunt had with him.. *

*Names have been changed to protect identities

Aunt Helen "Hi Bill, how are you? Doing ok?"
Uncle Bill "Not so great, Helen, but I'll be fine.."
Aunt Helen "So when are you going in for your autopsy then?"
Uncle Bill "What the hell? I may have cancer and you want me to die??"

I think she may have meant "biopsy." It's now the subject of a family row, with Bill not talking to Helen, Bill's wife Jane moaning at my mother, Helen's husband Tom complaining to my father.

What a time to say the wrong word, huh?

K x

(Another leak from the dog.. I can't breathe.. the air is all hazy.. must be some sort of poisonous gas..."

Wednesday, 19 August 2009

It's been a while again

I can't work out why I keep forgetting to blog. I just know that it gets to 11pm and I remember. But by then I have lost the ability to turn the TV over, let alone think up fun and interesting things to say.

Even now I have nothing. Oh, maybe I do. We have a puppy (we had two, but my parents swooped in and stole one..) See the face of pure evil..

Yes, he is a Jack Russell. Yes, he does delight in biting my feet. No, he won't sleep at night on his own. I spend half the night lying on the conservatory floor with my head in his basket in an attempt to stop him whining. It doesn't tend to work. G is completely besotted with him. No actually, G was completely besotted with him and then had to pick up poo and the novelty wore off. Lal and Max (oh, that is his name... Max"the puppy in"amillion - chosen cos Lal can say it) are partners in crime, wreaking havoc on the garden..


Lal is coming along nicely now. No, he isn't a stew.. but you know.. he can almost speak. I appreciate the silence really. Or I would if it weren't punctuated by screams.

G is a teenage delight. She still loves Cadets, and loved being away on Dartmoor with them for two weeks. Except for one garbled phone call in which I was lovingly informed that she was "on manoevers and is hiding in a field, but my position is lying in a pile of sheep shite." Apparently they learn nice language at Cadet camp. OH.OH.OH.OH. You'll never believe it.. the morning after she came back.. she made her bed, tidied her room and cleaned away her breakfast plates. AND washed them up. She's been back 10 days now, so she has remembered to forget to do any of that now, but it was nice while it lasted.

G, showing how appreciative she was of being taken to a huge play area with massive sandpit.


She looks happy, no? Enjoying herself? Not bothering to constantly text. *sigh again*

What else? I can think of nothing, but promise (I do, Hayley, I do.. I'm sorry!) to write again tomorrow night.

K x

Wednesday, 8 July 2009

"In 350 yards, at the roundabout, turn left"

So.. Take That. Brilliant, wonderful and fab. G loved it and boogied away whilst randomly screaming because other people were. Lady GaGa as a support act was appalling, apparently she makes her own clothes, I wasn't surprised. Oh, and the roving cameraman had an obsession with her legs and treated us to long shots of them.. and her seeming lack of knickers. Delightful. G says that my wish that I had taken a book in with me shows that I am officially old. *sigh* Well, she'll catch her death of cold walking about like that. And was it really necessary to scream the words out?

Oh, and we also realised why K had been able to get us tickets. We were basically seated in space. Take That were ants to us. 4 rows from the top of Wembley.Photobucket
I spent the first 20 minutes we were there trying to tie the back of my shirt to the chair. I felt like we were about to recreate that scene in Titanic at any minute - you know, the one where the boat bobs and down in the water for a while and that one man sort of cartwheels to his death? Yeah, that scene.

So yes that. OH. And I forgot. We owe our presence at the concert to a very special someone. No, not K. It's time to meet the newest member of our family. And she is wonderful. Suzie SatNav. And her perfect directions, and endless patience when I ignore them and think I know best. K says he'll be taking her off me soon though. It's over the top to use her to direct me to the shops, which are all of 375yards away - I'd never have known the exact distance without Suzie. I love her. And the little button that says "home" so I can always find out house. I love her.

In Lal news... the oddity is becoming far worse. Now, he will only eat the heads, arms and body of Gingerbread Men. The floor is littered with abandoned legs. Seriously. It's like some sort of scary massacre around here. Amputeed limbs all over the place.

He is still insistant about his car theory. Did I mention this before? Probably around the time of the bus trip saga.. but it's moved forward from there. Now, no cars are allowed to stop ever. Even if they weren't moving before he saw them. It was a 10 minute screaming fit this morning as a British Gas van had the temerity to park across the road from us. You have to feel bad for K.. Lal loves to watch for him coming home from work, from the playroom window. As soon as K's car appears on the drive, Lal sinks into a puddle of depression.. "go car, go."

Umm, I was woken this morning to the pain of Lal's school bag being repeatedly smashed into my head and the "School.. NOW" sound coming from the boy.

I have some sort of obsession with Michael Jackson - even though I didn't much care about him when he was alive - and his memorial service had me sobbing uncontrollably. In front of K and G who remained entirely unmoved by the whole thing. I just keep picturing that little girl..

And finally, I am defrosting the freezer at the weekend, so we will be using up the frozen food this week. K and G had yorkshire pudding, mixed veg, spicy chicken and spring rolls for dinner tonight. I had frozen pizza that must have been in there for a year. It was only slightly cardboardy. Desert is ice chips.

K x

Friday, 3 July 2009

Just a great day!

I have the best husband in the world. Well, for today and tomorrow at least. After that, he can go back to being ordinary. And annoying. And irritating. And a pain in the butt.

He came home tonight.. with tickets.. for G and me to go to see Take That tomorrow. Of course, the only tickets he could get are not so good and we won't be able to see much, but I don't care. It is the best surprise present he could have got us. G is over the moon. I am slightly regretting telling her tonight, should have waited until tomorrow morning. So far she has: had a bath, used my super expensive chocolate face pack, washed, dried and straightened her hair, and spent three hours deciding what to wear. I may have to give her sleeping tablets tonight. Her first concert! And funnily enough, my first concert was a Take That one as well.

And then tonight, I got an email. A despatch email from a wonderful WAHM (work at home mum) who had so kindly (and beautifully) knitted up some wool that I bought (oh yeah.. I gave up on the me knitting thing. It turns out that I can knit perfectly well in straight lines, but when it comes to putting anything together and making the straight lines into clothes? Not so good.) Where was I? Oh yes.. Carley at BibsandBots made these for Lal. Gorgeously stunning shorts, crotcheted into bright turquoise goodness. They are stunning.
Click here for pics
I may have to mug the postman when he first starts his round tomorrow for them.

They come at the end of an era. These may be the last woolly items I get to buy. And the last nappy items. The ungrateful boy keeps using his potty. No matter how many times I hide it, lose it or store toys in it, he finds it and uses it for its intended purpose. People tell me I'm supposed to be proud. Hmph to that.. what about the nappies? Huh? Huh? Where was I again? Oh yes, the last woolly item.. but what a way to go out huh? Did I say gorgeous? And lovely? And stunning?

Right, must now go and prepare for tomorrow. Gary.. I'm coming..

K xx

Tuesday, 30 June 2009

The Accident Book

Dear Mrs S

Your son was involved in the following incidents today.

"He was playing with the sand pit and tipping the sand over the floor. We told him "no" but he carried on doing it. I then used the "Alexander NO" as you said to try, and he ran away. When running, he slipped on some sand that he'd thrown and slid into the sand table lip first. It started bleeding some and I put a cold compress on it. He now has a fat lip and small bruise.
He didn't like the cold compress and ran away again. This time to the Dressing Up corner. He tried to go through the unit (the hole in the middle) but hit his head on the top of it. He then tried to get out and fell over again and hit his left leg on a table. He has a small bruise forming already.
We gave him cuddles and he seems fine now."

Please sign and date the accident book.


(On the way out, I accidentally clocked him on the head with his bag. He only fell a little bit)

K x

Body Art

Yesterday I decided to let them paint. Lal and G together. For G at least, it could count as part of her Art home schooling thing. For Lal, it might convince him that paper isn't evil.

They had fun.

I'm still finding glitter everywhere I look.

I may never allow it to happen again, but as I have photographic evidence, they can never say I didn't let them try.




And my floor after they were done:


I did forget to account for when Lal got bored and decided to run off through the house. A quick dip in the paddling pool helped. Although I did forget to put any hot water in and he may have suffered mild frostbite. And I think I successfully created a paddling pool phobia, but he did paint.

It's hot. I'm going somewhere to melt.

K x

Tuesday, 23 June 2009

Why the hell did I do that?

K has gone away for the week. It's a hard life for the poor man, he has to spend the next 4 days being wined and dined in America. Let's hope we don't get a repeat performance of what happened the last time he went there. :D

G had an orthodontist appointment today, about 6 months and the braces will be off. She'll miss them apparently, well them and her ever changing coloured teeth - the elastics are currently pink and blue, last month she had bright red. I think it loos ridiculous, but as usual, I know nothing.

I was dreading taking her, simply because Lal always falls asleep in the car.. takes 30 mins to drive there, and then back again. No chance of keeping him awake usually. But not today. Today, through singing the theme tune to Super Why, Wonder pets and 144 verses of ABC he stayed awake. And is asleep now at 8.16pm. YES! I was expecting a 3am job so am completely over the moon at my night off. Except I'm not having one, and here's why. Somebody shoot me now.

As I mentioned last time, G is having a few problems as school. I hadn't yet sorted out the first one, when the darn child got herself into yet more trouble. She decided that how Mrs L had treated her on sports day was unfair (well it was) and that she couldn't cope with the injustice anymore. And put her facebook status as "I hate Mrs L. She is such a liar." 40 odd comments were posted by her friends, agreeing with her.. and some used appalling language/grammar and were quite offensive. In my humble opinion, what G wrote was wrong, but hardly offensive. Well, maybe a bit.

She was reported by a parent who read this and was immediately yanked out of her classes on Friday and had to spend the day in "inclusion." And again on Monday. And again today. This afternoon I received a phone call from the Deputy Head informing me that G was to be the only person punished and that she would be suspended from school for 7 days. I said ok, and put the phone down.

And immediately wrote to the school informing them that I was taking her out with effect from tomorrow and that she would homeschooled until such time as I could find another school for her. Can anyone see hormonal over reaction there? I even hand delivered the letter to the school with a package containing all her textbooks. Crap.

I'm going to spend the night looking up various curriculum thingies. At a push, I can teach her myself for a while, I am qualified to at least, and a part of me is looking forward to it.. Maybe.

BUT.. and this is a big one. I didn't discuss it with K. I still haven't in fact. (Sorry honey, I can't work out the time difference,so haven't rung yet.. will do, I promise) He is going to kill me. And that isn't a hormonal over reaction. There will be actual murder. Thank goodness he is on a different continent. Maybe I can move before he gets back on Friday?

Off to shake and rock in a corner.. what the hell have I done? Fingers crossed I can get her into another school asap!


K xx

Wednesday, 17 June 2009


I don't really discuss G much, unless it is to sigh in frustration at her latest exploit, but I should really. She's 13 now and in the grip of hormones, boys and constant texting, but is still surprisingly sweet and loving. Well sometimes. Occasionally. Stop it,Katie, be nice.

She is having some trouble at school at the moment, and I am seriously considering taking her out and sending her somewhere else. As I may have mentioned a few billion times before, she is in almost constant detention for not wearing her uniform correctly. ie; not having 6 stripes showing on her tie, not having her skirt knee length, not doing up her top button, wearing 40 denier tights not 60, and nacy blue hairbands and not black. Sadly, I am not kidding. They are *that* strict. The last three weeks or so, after some serious discussions (which didn't involve hanging her out of her bedroom window by her ankles, no matter how much I wanted to) she has been dressing absolutely perfectly for school. Yesterday she came home with another detention because a single thread had come out of her tie. Just one, and it made one line of the yellow part seem black. How closely did the teacher have to study her to notice? Are they looking for things that she is doing wrong?

Today was Sports day. I went. Which was a miracle in itself. I invariably don't recognise her when everyone is dressed the same and end up cheering someone else's child on.. it upsets her, so she always tells me it starts after she has finished competing. Hmph. Anyway, today I caught her leg of the relay.. and met up with her at the side , approx 8metres from where she finished. I spoke to her for 45 seconds maybe.. to say "well done," "can I get a picture of you? now smile," and "I've changed your dentist appointment.." That was it.

Her teacher saw and immediately punished her. Tomorrow, because she spoke to her mother, she will be in "inclusion." This apparently means that she is not allowed to go to any of her classes, but will sit in a room on her own all day, lunch and break times included, and do her work in silence. I didn't realise that she had been tried, convicted and sent to solitary confinement. I am so, so angry. How is that a suitable punishment? How is talking to her mother wrong? It didn't say anywhere in the newsletter that competitors are forbidden from speaking to their parents. GRRR.

After she was told this, she cried.. frustration probably.. this annoyed the teacher even more, and she was told to stand outside the stadium. (School hires the local sports stadium for these events as they have proper athletics facilities) G told Mrs B that she still had one more race to compete in.. the final of the relay.. but nope, nothing. Poor child was told that she was forfeiting her place and that someone else would run for her.

Can you bloody believe it? For speaking to me!!! A detention for having a missing thread in a tie and three bloody punishments for talking to her mother. I am furious. And convinced that she will be miserable for the next 4 years. The teacher is her form teacher, and they will be together until the end of year 11. Can they not see that this is turning her off learning? Giving her an excuse for real bad behaviour because whatever she does is wrong, so she may as well give up?

I think it's the Catholic thing. The guilt. The breaking down of resistance, and I think I (we) have done the wrong thing and sent her to the wrong school. I feel like I am letting her down and not protecting her.

K is no sodding use, he got angry, but won't hear of her changing schools.. I just want to keep her home, but can't.

That's better! I have ranted and feel a little better for it. Maybe. Got to do something though. And I think now is the time to do it.. she'll be choosing her options next year and it'll be too late then.


And in Lal news.. he did three laps of the sports field, ate one handful of sand whilst attempting to copy the long jumpers and fell asleep in the bath. Not bad for a day's work.

K x

Tuesday, 16 June 2009

The break out.. and other tales.

So. As life is now back to how it should be, I decided now is the time for a new me. I had my hair done. Which is about as far as I'll go. Well, that and buying some new clothes which will never be worn and I'll sell on ebay in a year or two. Hair.. has gone from a delightful brown with what can only be classed as orange ends (disastrous home colour meets sun.. mmm orange) to a light blonde with highlights. I keep seeing a stranger in the mirror, it's very disconcerting.
K thinks it's lovely. So lovely, in fact, he thought I look like a different person and suggested we retire to the bedroom to "discuss" how changed I look. I may have got the slight hump with this, and assured him that that would be fine... as long as he didn't mind me pretending he was Edward Cullen.* For some reason, this annoyed him. Can't think why.

So that was fun. In child related news.. G is off to CTC (cadet training camp) this weekend. A fortune needed to be spent on all her gear - K went into raptures and was dispensing largely unwanted advice on what was absolutely and positively needed. G was ashamed as usual. At least it wasn't me doing it to her this time. This weekend, my girl, who can't seem to last 5 minutes without her hair straighteners, mobile phone and make up, will be sleeping under a Basha (a sheet that pretends to be a tent) and eating from a ration pack that she will cook on a cooking thingy.. I forgot the name again. Hushy has told me that it is really, really wrong to hope that it rains, so I shall do a hope for sun dance instead.

Lal continues with the number/letter obsession. We also had a Prison Break type attempt. Our playroom window faces onto our driveway. I had it open. When I came into the room, only the top of his head was visible, his feet were balanced on the plant pot underneath and the word "park" was being spoken in excited tones. Yep. If you won't take me mum.. I'm going myself. The playroom window no longer opens. Ever.

Oh, and I cleaned the sofa.. took the cushions offm, washed them and then fought to put them back into the covers. Suffice it to say, we are a disgusting family, the filth was incredible and as a consequence are only allowed to sit on the floor from now on.

Am off to go watch Twilight again, maybe K will get lucky again tonight.. ;)

K x

*Oh yes. Somehow, I seem to be in the throes of a terrible crush. Me, a mature (yeah right) nearly 32 year old, is in love with a 17 year old vampire. Meh, it could be worse.. I could still be suffering from Tom Cruise obsession.. aaah .. Tom..

Monday, 8 June 2009

Swine Flu? Not so much..

So I've been away for a while. Sadly, not away having a life...more dying, spending and trying to keep up with the children.

So, the dying part. I had flu. Not a cold although there was some snottiness involved, but actual shivers, high temp, muscle less flu. Not helped by G oinking at me every time she walked past and saying "are you *sure* it's not Swine Flu?" *sigh* It's nearly three weeks later and I still feel shaky from it. And I don't do ill very well. I tend to complain and moan a lot. An awful lot.

The spending was woolly stuff for Lal and a fab new haircut for G. She now looks officially grown up and she has an appointment for the chastity belt next week. Seriously. You don't believe me? Here:
That child is 13. *another big sigh* K has his boyfriend stick by the door.

Lal has added another word to his repertoire. Chicken. We went to my parents a couple of weekends ago.. and Lal discovered a whole new species to love. I worry for the poor things, apparently one hasn't laid since Lal attempted to mount her..
My boy. Never knowingly normal. Oh, his new obsession? Going outside in the morning, walking round the house and saying "well done" to each of the bricks. You know, for doing a sterling job in holding the house up. *it's no surprise I spend most of my time sighing*

The biggest news, I suppose, is that K is no longer a weekend husband. As of this weekend he has officially moved back in. Started as we mean to go on, with a row, but that was fun. If he will press start on the washing machine when a 2 hour wash had *just* finished... what does he expect? Applause? And he used the dishwasher he got me for Mothers Day. It's first use. The thing scares me with its fancy buttons. I like burning myself on the boiling water that comes out of the tap, thank you very much. So yes, he's back. I can sleep upstairs again. It's nice actually, but don't tell him I said that. I missed him. I'm happy.

I had a few other thoughts, but to be honest, I'm slightly addicted to the Farm Town application on facebook, and I need to know how my crops are doing, so I shall go for tonight. But will promise to start blogging properly again. Maybe. Ish.

Oh, and one last pic, cos I love it. A very camo Lal. He's in cadet training with G...

K x

Sunday, 17 May 2009

What do you see?

Nothing much to report today. It rained a lot. There were many tantrums, from all of us. Lal is still not asleep as he repeated his falling asleep on the tv trick (8 minutes this time) G is still not tidying her room or feeding the cat. And I am about to go and watch the last episode of Lost. *stops to imagine Jack for a minute*

A couple of things though. I have decided to try to lose my lifelong inability to do anything crafty.. and have attempted to knit. And purl. It took me 8 hours straight, but I managed this:

It's pretty pathetic so far.. but already, in my head, I have decided that I am now an expert and this warrants me buying ever more expensive wool (that will sit in a dark cupboard forever more after next week. And in a few months that cupboard will become a no go area in case it reminds me of wasted money) - Oh.. it's a semi scarf in case you couldn't tell. With a stripe. Just one mind.

And the second thing?.. Umm, oh yes. We made pancakes for lunch. G has asked that people (you know, the billions who read this *sigh*) guess what shapes she could see..Photobucket (I see Snoopy at the top)

Photobucket (a drowning dog.. just managing to keep his head above pancake.. )

These pancakes amused her for hours. She is very disappointed that she only managed to eat 6. With whipped cream, sugar and lemon. 6.

K x

Friday, 15 May 2009

Too much Tv?

Lal has only just gone to bed again. My fault.. I allowed a 15 minute nap. I say "allowed" .. I actually made a cup of tea, turned round to check on him and discovered him asleep on the kitchen floor. He finally went to sleep tonight at 11.15. Far better than last night's 2.30 I suppose.

G has decided that the CVS jab contains a live cancer "bug" (because cancer is now a bug apparently) and has spent the last two days off school. Yes, her arm is still paralysed. Well it was until 6.30 when it and she made a miraculous recovery and was able to go to Cadets. She has passed all her first exams for it now, and is an official Cadet. One who *needs* a "95 shirt" to go with her camo trousers. It took an hour for me to discover that a 95 shirt is a camo shirt that was brought out in 1995. Not a special design or anything.. she could have told me, but that would be too easy for her.

And finally,as I'm shattered (and am "on" so have a hot water bottle on my tummy.. currently super heating my jeans button.. I should move it) I sort of semi worry about Lal's lack of proper speech. Although he has lots of word endings, they aren't really understandable to anyone but me. The health visitor wants him to see a speech therapist and I am to tell her if he makes any meaningfl progress in the meantime. (Pfft.. ignoring all that..)

I wonder if she'd be impressed with tonight's offerings...

*Lal runs through to kitchen from sitting room*
"Mama.. mama" deep breathe, look of intense concentration... " Carphone Warehouse.. seven teen five teen pee cent"
" Wow Lal, that's a good deal..."
*Lal runs back to sitting room.. only to appear 2 minutes later*
"Mama... Miss Lellie Kelly.."
"Want new shoes sweetie?"
*Back to tv, back to me again*
"Mama.. mama.. Cillit Bang all GONE" *claps hands* "Well done"

*sigh* The child can only speak in adverts. Does that mean he watches too much tv?

Oh, and just to shamelessly brag.. he can read most three letter words.. recognise all upper and lowercase letters, and can count to "two twenty one teen. "


G, on the other hand, can't pick an empty packet of crisps up off the floor because of her paralysed arm.

K x

Tuesday, 12 May 2009

From whine to wine..

I have nothing good to say tonight. Nothing. Lal has done nothing but whinge and whine and whinge and whine all day long. It's almost as if he resents me turning the laptop off and actually playing with him.

I shall break it down a little. He woke up, he whined. He got dressed, he whinged. He went to school.. he laughed, danced, clapped and sang. He came home from school, he whinged. All day. For every minute of said day.

By 6, he was exhausted.. he's not been well the last couple of days (ah yes.. he doesn't know how to tell the nursery people that he's been ill.. so informed them upon arrival that he had "bad cough".. he didn't.. but he's male and needs the attention. He then fake coughed for effect.) and so went to bath and bed at 6.30.

I was in the middle of my dance of joy, when G started moaning and whining and whinging. She has tummy ache. She had the third CVS jab at school today, so her right arm is paralysed. Yes. Paralysed. She physically *cannot* carry her school bag upstairs or pick her clothes up off the floor. I looked up the side effects online and showed her that laziness isn't listed. Nonetheless, she is doing the dying swan thing on the sofa. She thinks that she "can manage" to eat some fish fingers, banana and whipped cream and toffee popcorn (no, not all at once) if I make them for her. She doesn't think she can manage anything healthy though. The paralysis prevents it.

So. My day. Of whinge, whine and something else beginning with "w" so I can alliterate. I know. Wine. I shall finish it off with wine.

K x

Monday, 11 May 2009

Who needs men?

It's a question I often ask myself.. especially after all the problems K and I have had. I can usually do most things around the house. I can paint, fill holes.. fish toys out of the toilet. I can hoover spiders. Remove things from the loft. Build bookcases from the flat pack hell place.
I even made our boring plain wood wardrobe doors into masterpieces by gluing cornicing type stuff on them. (Ok.. so I can do it.. doesn't mean I have to actually know the technical names)

And if I can't do things I can bodge them so they look semi done. For example:

  1. Cat flap door broke - I created a new one from the lid of a pizza box and a drawing pin. Cat could only come in through it.. but I left the window open for her to go out.
  2. Baby proofed larder door - Piece of ribbon in the shutty bit.. Lost tops of fingers a few times, but it worked.
  3. Dog chewed corner of wallpaper (the chunky wallpaper) off at the top of the stairs - crumpled A4 (several sheets) and a coat of paint and you can only tell when you look at it.
Things like that. I can do that.

Today, K bought Lal a trike. With parent handle. He is away (it was delivered today, bought last week) and I decided that I could assemble it myself. I think I did an excellent job. It took me a few hours longer than planned. But most of that time was spent looking for a spanner and a thingy head screwdriver. Again, I did an excellent job. Look at it in all it's glory..


Fine. So Lal was riding it when the wheel fell off. But that is part of the triking experience.

I say again. Who needs men?

K x

Sunday, 10 May 2009

Obessions and stuff

As anyone who speaks to me for more than 15 seconds knows.. I have a small, almost insignificant nappy obsession. It's not out of control yet, I can go up to 15 minutes at a time without looking at Nappy sites.. but no more than that. The obsession has spread lately to include woollen nappy covers, otherwise known as longies, shorties and crops. Or board shorts. I think boyish crops are known as board shorts.. but I can't be sure so daren't say that out loud for fear of sounding like a fool. Or more like a fool.

So I'm going to share some pictures.. All Lal obviously.. G doesn't seem enthused by these things.. and she's still not speaking to me after I bought her her own reusable sanitary pads. She thinks she needs the local mental ward on speed dial in case I flip any further..

Photobucket Photobucket


You see? Cuteness personified! The boy isn't bad either.

And in other news.. My father appeared with a hammer at 10.30 this morning. It wasn't for an attempt to kill us all.. but to put together an arch for the garden that has been sat in a corner for the last 5 years.. By 4pm it was finished.. and without him having a heart attack. G decided that she would love to creosote it.. it looked like fun. She lasted 6 minutes before it became too much like work and a mortal splinter wound forced her inside to watch TV. The arch will now remain half painted until judgement day. And I hate the thing. It is huge, unsafe (dad isn't a master craftsmen.. you sit on the left of it and the right semi buckles.. He said to market it to K as a swing *sigh*) and just looks odd!

Oh, and at 3pm today. Lal went upstairs. He fell asleep for an hour. A phrase that strikes terror wherever it is heard. He's been forced to do laps of the garden, and has been taken to the park twice. I just know he won't fall asleep before 11. Why doesn't he listen to me? Naps are *not* allowed.



Saturday, 9 May 2009

The Wheels on the Bus...

... had better not stop.

Lal and I went to town today. The unthinkable had happened and we were out of Gingerbread men..so an emergency trip was necessary. G and friend decided not to join us.. because, you know, they would have had to walk for a mile and a half to get to the shops. They preferred the 2nd choice of staying home, walking to chip shop and spending their pocket money on lunch.

So, Lal and I set off. About 75m in, my legs started aching.. and as luck would have it, a bus was coming our way. I decided, for the third time since Lal was born, to give public transport a shot. (They let me down badly the last two times... no room for Biggest Pram in the World first, and Too Small Doorway on the second occasion.) On we got, paid for my ticket (£1.50 for a 6 minute trip.. daylight robbery) and off we went.

There were lots of lovely old people on it already, all of whom cooed over the boy and appreciated his woollen trousers.. and then I felt it. And heard it.

I may have mentioned before that Lal has a few teeny, tiny issues. Well a newish one is that he cannot be in traffic. You simply cannot allow the car to stop else he screams, cries and whines. It is a little distracting. So today, when I felt and heard the bus slowing down at the end of our road, I braced myself for the inevitable.

He didn't disappoint. Screaming. crying tears. "No Stop.. raffic. Nooooooooooooo" The old ladies to the back of us asked me what was the matter. I explained, quite loudly, as I needed to be heard over the screams. I assured them that he would stop as soon as we started moving again. Which he did.

There are 6 sets of traffic lights and one junction before the bus reached our stop. We got stuck in one small line of traffic whilst we waited for an inconsiderate fool to turn right..(screaming hysteria) but were quite lucky really. We coasted through the first two sets of lights without stopping, at the third there were tears, and people were starting to laugh at the boy.. I'm not exaggerating, it really was like clockwork... engine starts to idle.. Lal starts to scream.

As the 4th set of lights approached...the bus driver said, "They're turning red.. what shall I do?" "Creep slowly towards them... just don't let the bus stop.." And bless him, he did.. we approached the lights at about 1 mile per hour.. Lal remained quiet. Got stopped at the next set.. Lal screamed.

By now, people on the bus were crying with laughter. It was like we were reenacting "Speed" .. Personally, I think ours is a far better version.

I can safely say that this was the very best bus ride I have ever experienced. They applauded him off the bus (to save their ear drums) and one lady gave him £2..

Public transport attempt number 3 was a success..

K x

Friday, 8 May 2009

Disco night..

G has a school disco tonight. Somehow, despite her being grounded for using the phone for 3 hours*, she is there. She also seems to have a friend staying over for the night. That child can wrap her father round her little finger. *sigh*

We had the usual angst of no clothes, hair that won't go the right way, tights with ladders in them. I only interferred once. She likes the clumpy mascara look. Usually, I find a way to subdue her and forcibily remove it.. tonight I merely suggested that she remove a little.. as she had a very fetching "blink" line on the top of her eyelids. She sulked and told me that I know nothing. I expected that.

The friend is lovely, a little quiet in front of me, but then my endless sarcasm and largely successful attempts at embarrassment can be a little wearing after a while.

G is 13 now, and somehow, far more grown up that I was at that age. Frankly, it scares me.. so for dinner we had takeaway. Pizza to be exact.. with a double order of garlic bread. That should put off any potential suitors. *insert devil emote*

So. They are at the disco, I need to collect them at 9.30. They will then stay up all night talking, be told 42 times to shh and finally be threatened with execution if they wake Lal. My plan is to stalk various websites in the hope that I can spend some money that I don't have. And watch TV.


* OMG.. did I not mention this? I went upstairs on Sunday night to make sure she was in bed and asleep.. only to discover her on the phone.. to a BOY! The same boy she had her first ever date with last year. The display on the phone read 03:13.. meaning that she had been on the phone fpr OVER THREE HOURS.. and the best bit? TO A MOBILE. Oh, there was shouting in our house on Sunday night.

Monday, 4 May 2009

Bath time

Who needs a bed when you can go for the comfort of bubbles?

Lal was a little tired tonight..

Wednesday, 29 April 2009

Parenting Tips

Q: How do you know when your toddler's nails need cutting?

A: To confirm this, do a quick test... If, when your toddler scratches his nails on the kitchen table, it leaves claw marks.. the scissors may need to be used...


Q: Do you find that it is difficult to find one thing that will amuse both your toddler and teenager?

A: No.. Not really. Most teenagers will revel in the chance to pretend they are 2 again. As long as they can be given as much money as possible. At any time.



K x

Monday, 27 April 2009

Brandy works, right?

Before I start.. it's 10.34. PM. Lal is playing with his rocket ship, cars and animals. Normal children, normal toddlers.. normal 2 year olds go to bed at 7.30 - 8. Not Lal. Oh no. Nothing but the night owl for my boy. *sigh*

He woke up this morning with the sniffles. A little runny nose. Not the unattractive snot dripping, just a delicate touch on the top of his lip. This made him miserable, and forced me to allow him to nap for an hour at 1pm. That hour turned into 2.5 more hours as he refused to wake up.. even when I stood him on the floor and attempted to make him dance. Nope. Sleep please mummy. It'll be at least midnight before he sleeps now.

Oh, that reminds me.. he was up last night as well.. from 10-2... Will it harm him if I made him lie on the sofa with me, watching Fringe and CSI? I have a half formed worry that with him watching criminal and icky type programmes, I am only honing his future serial killer tendancies.. We'll see anyway.

G. My dear, daft G. She has exams starting tomorrow. The pressure is on. She has been forced to revise every night for the past week..and for the most part she has. For the most part. I am pretending that I can't hear the tell tale "ping" of her msn buddies calling for a chat. Honestky? She stands no chance with the exams if she can't even turn the volume on the pc off. I worry.. I do.

Ok. I'm off to get the brandy out. It's times like this I wish I had a prescription for sleeping pills.

OH! I almost forgot. Lal used to only get to watch BabyTv. No adverts, no merchandise.. and well he liked it, I liked it.. all fine. He now likes Nick Jr and Peppa Pig. (For some reason Bob the Builder now scares the B'jaysus out of him... he crawls away from the tv with a wobbling bottom lip whenever he appears. Poor baby) His all time favourite show though, and it's a good one... is the Cillit Bang advert. It actually makes him talk... "Bang... all GONE mama"


K x

Sunday, 26 April 2009

My helper

K and Lal did a bit of gardening yesterday.

K was too slow for Lal, who got very frustrated with his lack of effort.





What can i say? We make the boy work for his supper..

K x

PS: Check out a brand new Opinions Forum..

Saturday, 25 April 2009

The Artiste

I blogged a while ago that Lal hated colouring in of any description. Literally. Neither colouring pencils, nor crayons nor poster paints would sully the pristine whiteness of his paper. Nuh uh. No way.
Nursery seems to have brought about a change in him. He has been 4 times this week..and on three of those occasions, well, I have had actual art work come home. He now has paintings on the kitchen cupboards. No one can believe it.
Marvel at the (non) talent of the boy..
Thursday - ST George's Day:

He's an artist! Meh..

K x

Tuesday, 21 April 2009

My unexpected life

I've been thinking about this since it was given as a topic..and realised that it is currently what I am living. An unexpected life.

Growing up, I was so secure in what my future would be. I always knew I would marry K, and that we'd just be a happy family.. no crisis, no problems.. I'd marry my prince (I was 14, shut up) and the whole Cinderella thing would come true.

I never expected that life would be so hard. That sometimes, every day would just feel like a struggle to survive. I'm a bit bleak at the moment, so my outlook on things is a little distorted, and that is some excuse for the feelings.. but blimey.. It was never where I expected to be.

The first 10 years of marriage were good.. he was away (that always makes it good, lol) but we coped with that with no fuss. Anything bad that did happen, we dealt with. I never expected long forgotten, or got past issues to rejuvenate themselves with so much pleasure. Seriously, my life has become like one of those terrible childhood trauma books that are everywhere at the moment.

When you are young, you never consider, or I didn't, that things can go wrong. Marriage.. you get married, you are not going to become a statistic.. You are in it for the long haul. You just know that you will be one of those couples who are finishing each others thoughts when you are 92... dribbling next to each other in matching beige cardigans. Of course, K and I might still acheive that.. but I never expected that he would be unfaithful, that he would blame me for it.. or that I'd be so destroyed when it happened. I never expected the strength it would take to work on that. To try and forgive it, understand it. But how could I? Fairytales.. that is what I believed in.

I never expected that one day, I woudl ahve to give evidence against the man I love for domestic violence. It wasn't really that of course, undiagnosed PTSD that manifested itself as an attack on me. That wasn't expected. And I'd never have believed it possible. But it's another thing to get past. To forgive. To not flinch away from. It would be expected that if someone raises a hand to you, you leave. Never look back. But when you see the man you love in so much pain, knowing that there has to be a reason for it... You do what you do. What you need to do.

I never expected that a pregnancy could end in miscarriage. Very naive, but I really didn't. It wasn't an option for me. When I wanted a baby, I would have one. But here I am, the mother of two children instead of 6. Not that I'd have had 6, but that is the number of pregnancies. I also never expected the pain of knowing that my body wasn't good enough to nurture the babies. The feelings of guilt and the bone deep jealousy of other women who can do it.

I suppose I should now look for the unexpected. This morning, I was unexpectedly happy when K and G woke me with breakfast in bed. Or that last night, I unexpectedly slept upstairs for the first time in 18 months and slept properly, without dreams, wrapped in the arms of the husband who hurt me so much.

Maybe I should stop being so cautious, and embrace what's left of life looking for the unexpected. I never knew that a website would provide so many wonderful friends, so many people I can call best friends. (Yes Hushy and Helen.. that's you *sigh)

Ok, so I wasn't expecting (lol) to be so deep this morning. I haven't had my cup of tea yet, so I'm obviously still half asleep. I'm off to be shallow on WYOO..and maybe buy a nappy or two.

K x

Tuesday, 31 March 2009

3 minutes

G and I were eating dinner.

Lal decided he was exhausted.



This was at 6.47pm. He slept for three minutes. I had to wake him as a) he had pooed and b) it's not healthy to sleep on the tv.

He had a bath and got ready for bed.

That three minutes has ensured that now, at 8.10, he is not at all tired and will be up until 10.


K x

Thursday, 12 February 2009

'leep time? Kay..

When was it decided that it's a good idea to teach children to share? Who had the brainwave one day? Give me his name (it was bound to be a man) and I'll kill him.

I'm ill. The sicky bug that enveloped the children has opened its arms and included me. I can't quite remember much about last night and most of today.. I'm sure I spent a long time getting to know Messrs Armitage and Shanks though.

G woke this morning utterly refreshed, but still unable to attend school (damn the 24 hour rule) She is definitely going back tomorrow though - it's the last day to buy tickets for the school disco on Friday night and she absolutely *can't* miss that. Social suicide apparently.

Lal stayed home from nursery as well. Mainly because I couldn't move well enough to get him there. He's been fine all day, nothing wrong with him at all. His diet has now varied as well. He will now only eat yogurt and gingerbread men. I think it's something to do with what came back up. He longer trusts the cereal bars and carrots not to poison him. Great. *sigh*

Ah yes. I forgot to mention a while ago that Lal sleeps in a Thomas the Tank Engine bed now. A toddler sized one for toddler sized people. He has for a while. But he's not realised (cos he's a bit slow) that there are no bars, and he can escape at will. I first discovered that this morning. He'd obviously been hungry in the night and come downstairs for a snack. Yep. The gingerbread man packet was under his pillow. My fault for not shutting his door fully.. and for not realising that two year old need midnight snacks.

He had a long nap today. Again my fault, I fell asleep too. So, somewhat hopefully, I put him in bed at 10. We had this conversation for the next hour..

Me: Bed time baby.

Lal: Bed? 'kay..

Me: Night night

Lal: Nah Night, 'kay..

Me: Sleep time.. sleep nicely..

Lal: Amen?

Me: No baby, we did Amen already.. now it's time for sleepy bye byes.

Lal: Leep time nice. Nah Night.

**leaves room and goes downstairs**

**hears Winnie laptop turn on through baby monitor**

**Goes back upstairs**

Me: No Lal. Not now. Winnie is tired and it's bed time..

Lal: Bed? 'kay

Repeat from step one. For an hour.

I'm putting the cot back up in the morning.

K x

Tuesday, 10 February 2009

The sick call..

Just a quick one before I disappear back to the San. for the rest of the day..

Lal's bug doesn't seem to be going away. He is playing the tragic hero to the hilt and loves the fact that illness seems to signify more dummy time.

Morning was going well.. I was in and out of the house (bin day.. had 4000 recycling things that hadn't been sorted. I sort of heard the phone, but didn't rush to get it. The marvels of 1471 (when will I consider that *not* new, btw?) means I can call people back.

Just sat down to my cup of tea when it rang again..

Hello.. can I speak to Mrs S please?


Hi.. it's the nurse from SJP school.. we have been trying to call you for an hour.. we have your daughter G here.

(with trepidation and no small amount of guilt) Oh?

Yes, she's got a high temperature, has been very sick and is shaking.

Nooooooo.. not another one. Can you keep her there?

Umm (voice goes quiet as she wonders whether I'm serious) Actually, we'd rather you came to pick her up.

Are you sure? I've already got one sick one and having another here would radically raise the probability of me coming down with it.And I really really hate sick. It makes me sick and I hate it. Please keep her.. I'm begging you.

Ok. Fine. I'll be there as soon as possible.

Put dressing gown and socks on Lal and sped to the school. Of course the world and his car had decided that they found the swollen and burst it's banks river fascinating and had slowed down to watch.. so the traffic was a nightmare.

Collected G. She looks like a ghost and can't stop shivering. 6 times on the way back she was sick in the car. I did find a bag for the 5 times, but the first now needs cleaning up. She tried to aim for out the window, but her vomiting precision is not as good as her shooting.

Lal decided that the best thing for him to do to divert attention away from G was to alternate being sick with screaming about the "raffic.... no cars. MOVE"

My car smells nice. I need to win the lottery now.. am considering scrapping this car and just buying a new one rather than cleaning it out. I hate sick. *shudders*

And I now hear the needy whining ones. Smashing.

K x

25 things you didn't know

about me! This is doing the rounds at the moment.. and I have no exciting life news to share yet, so thought it would do the job for tonight. (Oh.. will just say, weekend of relaxation and pj time was a bust. Lal had violently sicky tummy bug. Only wanted mummy. Daddy can go jump in a frozen lake when Lal wants mummy. They came home at 2pm on Saturday. G was almost refused entry back *into* the country as customs decided that they needed a letter from me. No idea why.. I thought the point would be that they wouldn't let her out...)


  1. My first name is actually Anna. But with my surname, I chose to use my middle name. It's so I don't get confused with a certain sex shop.

  2. My married name and maiden name is the same. I didn't marry my brother though.. he's not any relation at all.

  3. I get childishly happy when I'm driving and it's raining and I go under a bridge. Just for the 3 second silence inbetween the rain starting...... and stopping.

  4. I truly believed that my dad's car had voice activated windscreen wipers. He'd say "Wipe windscreen wiper.. Wipe" and it would. When I bought my first car, I asked the salesman if the voice activation came as standard.

  5. No matter how hot it is, I'm always cold.. so constantly wear my dressing gown over my clothes.

  6. My brothers still call me Clock and Cakey. Apparently I couldn't say Chocolate or Katie. They think it's cute. It's not.

  7. I used to play netball at County level. I then started smoking.

  8. According to G (who went to my old school for a hockey match) I still hold the 100m record.

  9. I'm only up to number 9 and I can't think of anything else.

  10. Since K and I split up, I haven't been able to sleep upstairs, so have a bed that is disguised as a sofa in the playroom. Usually fall asleep on the sofa though.

  11. I am addicted to Lost and regularly fantasise that Jack will appear and ask me to marry him.

  12. I'd do it too.

  13. I suffered from anorexia in my teens, and still struggle with food now. Unless super stressed I manage to maintain a healthy weight though.

  14. I cannot knit, sew or mend anything to save my life. My school friends tried for two years to teach me how to make frienship bracelets, but I could never do it.

  15. I once got my foot stuck down a drain in Austria and had to but cut out by the fire brigade.

  16. I broke my collar bone throwing a rounders ball.

  17. I'm extremely accident prone.

  18. I was the only child out of my "gang" who had enough stupidity courage to ride my BMX over Stinging Nettle Hill. (It was basically a mound that was covered in stinging nettles.)

  19. Dock leaves don't work. And the itchingly painful bumps don't go down for days. Neither did the slap that my mum gave me for being such an idiot.

  20. I had an Austin Mini named Kenneth that nearly killed me on at least three occasions. (The front wheel fell off when I went round a roundabout, the petrol leaked out the back as I was driving home - I was smoking and had no idea where to throw my cigarette.. you can't outrun petrol you know.. and the only way to get into the back/passenger side was to climb in throught the driver's door)

  21. Oh God... 4 more to go.

  22. I'm very easily distracted. I started writing this at 9pm, it's now 11.53.

  23. Whilst on our honeymoon, I had to make a choice between saving our camera from falling off a boat or my cigarettes. The cigarettes won. K never forgave me.

  24. I only drink diet coke (caffeine free at the moment) or Tetley tea. And I have 3.5 to 4 sugars (depending on the mug size)

  25. Last one.. woohoo.. I love watching The Biggest Loser, So You Think You Can Dance.. all the rubbish reality programmes, but can't stand Big Brother.

There! All done.

K x

Friday, 6 February 2009

One down..

I can't wait for this weekend to arrive properly. G has gone away again. I swear, that child has more of a social life at 12 than I have had ever. She's gone to Belguim for the weekend to see her friend. Oh, the friend's dad has the best job ever.. he works for the Commonwealth Graves Commission, so gets transferred all over the world to make sure they are all kept properly. I'd love to do that. Anyway.. I distracted myself. So, G's gone. She took at least 4 different outfits, hair straighteners and 201 songs on her mobile, so she should be fine. She'll be back on Sunday at 6.

Lal is also disappearing off tomorrow to do fun Daddy type things for the weekend, so I'll be all alone. Except for the fish and the cat. Who are all trying my patience with their refusal to die. Seriously. I am not an animal hater to all animals. Just the ones that live here. Poppy has decided that it's too cold to go outside to poo, so her place of preference is the front door mat. Only badly brought up cats use the litter tray apparently.

So... my plans for this weekend: (*crosses fingers that formatting will work this time..*)

  • Talk on MSN until 2am again, like I did last night, but without the pressure to be up and dressed for 7

  • Wave goodbye to Lal at 10.30

  • Have long hot bath, read book in bath, wash hair

  • Get into clean pyjamas

  • Put on dressing gown

  • Move laptop to sofa and watch Sky plussed programmes/ bc surf all day.

  • Repeat above point for evening

  • And night

  • Sunday... exactly as above..without the waving off of Lal

  • Get dressed at 5.55, just before everyone gets home

  • Sulk when they are all late and grumble that I could have stayed in my pj's for hours more.

Sounds brilliantly productive doesn't it? I can't wait.

K x

Thursday, 5 February 2009

Little Red Riding Hood.. G style

I'm in a mood tonight. A bad one. I won't write anything else I'll offend everyone and you'll all flounce and there will be emails and stuff. Suffice it to say, I am not the happiest bunny in bunnyland. Life is still magical and wonderful and all that malarky, but I think I'm better enjoying it whilst watching tv in a room where I can't make anybody feel smaller than a small thing in a very tiny room.

So I'm sharing the story G wrote when she was 9. Her take on Little Red Riding Hood.She got bored at the end.

(Oh,.. and many thanks for all the birthday suggestions. I'm currently in talks with K to allow either the nightclub thingy, or a massive party for 100 people at our local swimming pool - £12 for the whole thing - suggested by sillyrabbit, Helen. All advice was much appreciated.)

Little red riding hood

Once open a time there lived a family of three. The mother’s name was Annie Riding Hood, the father was Arthur Riding Hood and their child’s name was Little Red Riding Hood. One day her grandmother and grandfather became very ill because an evil wolf had put them under a spell and the only way to get out of the spell was to kill the wolf. Little Red Riding Hood and her parents did not know this so Little Red Riding Hood asked if she could take some cakes and flowers to make them feel a bit better. Her mother agreed. "But” said her father “remember that there are wolves out there waiting for some innocent people. Asking them where they are going, then saying good day and running away to the place where he or she had told them were they were going. Then they would eat all the people there and pretend to be that person and then they eat you too! So be careful when you are out there and don’t talk to anyone you don’t know.” Little Red Riding Hood promised that she would not talk to anyone.

As she walked out the door she was hoping that she would not run in to the wolves on her trip. Her grandparent’s house was on the other side of the wood. She did not feel safe with the wolves running about. As she stopped to catch her breath she saw a youth cutting down an old tree. She thought that he might be able to go with her on her trip. So she went up to him and said “Sorry to bother you but will you accompany me on my trip to my grandparents’ house?” “Yes of course I will. I feel a bit scared with the wolves running around myself.” So they set off to her grandmothers and grand fathers’ house.

On the way they saw bears, lions, rabbits eating the lions (this was a very strange wood indeed!) It was getting near bedtime for Little Red Riding Hood so she said to the youth “Do you know anywhere where we can sleep for the night because my mum thinks I am spending the night at Grandmas but we got a bit behind schedule.”

“Yes I do have a little cottage that I live in with my wife Mary and I don’t think she would mind you staying the night”. That night they slept in a small cottage with a leak in the thatched roof. They had breakfast and got changed into some new clothes and set off again. That day as they walked past some flowers they saw something move in the distance. They thought it might have been a bear, late for the teddy bears picnic again. But all of a sudden a small animal cried for help. Little Red Riding Hood ran to see what was making the noise so she could help the poor creature. The youth told her it was a trap but she did not listen to him because she suddenly thought that he was one of the wolves!!!! So she kept running towards Grandmas house. Hoping that she could open the door with her key and phone her Mummy and Daddy to come and pick her up in the car. But all of a sudden she realised that she had run right into wolf territory. She daren’t move in case a wolf saw her and attacked. She knew now that the youth was right, it was a trap. She hoped that the youth might swing to her rescue but in fact he ran home, got his armour and sword and ran to the place where Little Red Riding Hood stood, frozen in terror. He flung out his sword to kill the wolves hoping that he would be able to save Little Red Riding Hood from the danger.

All of a sudden, the bears from the Teddy Bears Picnic said, “Sorry to bother you, but if I take a left will that take me to Amarillo?” With that the Teddy Bear’s burst into a big song and dance number!

“Is this the way to Amarillo?

I’m a bear who’s lost my pillow!

And I can’t sleep without it now!!...”

“No sorry” said the youth “You take a left, then follow the dancing penguins, then take the first turning on the right and follow the signs. You can’t miss it!” “Thanks,” said Fred Bear. “Now, where were we?” said the youth. The wolves said “I don’t know! But we won’t eat if you tell us where you are going!”

”Never!!” said the youth. “We won’t go anywhere without a fight!!”

In saying that Little Red Riding Hood ran for her life! So the youth said “Ok….. I won’t go anywhere without a fight!!” and then feeling really scared, he ran for his life too!

Within a few hours he caught up with Little Red Riding Hood and said “That’s the wrong way your grandparents house. It is the other way”

“Oh. Well. You. could. Have. Told. Me.” She said, trying to catch her breath! “But I don’t want to go there any more. I think that I will go home and take the car BECAUSE THE WOLVES ARE RIGHT BEHIND US.” She shouted at the top of her voice, and with that ran towards her house. Her mother and father we’re relieved that she had not been eaten by the wolves. She said “Mummy! Daddy! This is youth, we are running away from the wolves and if you would not mind taking us to Grandma and Grandpa’s house.” “Yes of course we will. But I am a little scared about the wolves.” Said Annie.

“Don’t worry about them we can run over them with the car because they always travel in groups.”

So they got in the car (after the youth had got changed into some of Arthur’s Riding Hood’s clothes) Arthur put his foot on the peddle and didn’t take it off until they had got to Grandma and Grandpa’s house. But to their surprise Grandma was doing yoga in the lounge and Grandpa was getting ready for a run. “I don’t understand they we’re ill and were in bed.” Said Little Red Riding Hood. “No, the wolves put us under a spell that kept us ill for all that time.” Said Grandma.

And they all laughed and lived happily ever after.

The end

Wednesday, 4 February 2009

The sound..

Last night, at 11.30, I was sitting a relaxing and buying nappies when I heard the sound. A cross between a giggle and a hello. The sound that strikes terror into the very core of me. I ignored it and continued drinking my tea. And then there was the thump. And a bang. And a little boy came downstairs, head first.. with his Winnie the pooh laptop in his hand. Although I tried to ignore it, the laptop was turned on.. the noises started, and the alphabet was suddenly being quoted. I still tried ignoring it, only to be told "watch mama, now" and saw the laptop being hurled towards me out of the corner of my eye.

And then the television was turned on. Did you know that at midnight a two year old will find CSI Vegas absolutely fascinating and hilarious? I can only hope the Autopsy scenes haven't scarred him for life, or turned him into a future serial killer. He did love watching the heart explode though..

And (again) why are children so much cleverer at night? Throughout the day, Lal is fairly silent in terms of advancement and words, he'll just muddle through, but at bedtime and middle of the night wakings he's a veritable font of ingenuity and brilliance.

He kept faking going back to bed, carrying his bean bag upstairs, lying on it and say "night" but never with any real intention of sleeping. he, of course, found this hilarious too, and everytime I kissed him and tucked him back in bed, he'd just giggle, roll over, tell me he was cute and come back downstairs.

I eventually gave in at 2 and took him to bed with me, where I spent the entire night fighting for control of the duvet and mattress. He likes to turn sideways, curled up in the foetal position.. lull me into falling asleep, and then extend his legs and push me onto the floor. I'm exhausted, he's at school and I'm considering leaving him there.

And now to the help. I am clueless. Well yes, but this time it's about children's parties. Sorry teenager's parties. G turns 13 on feb 21st and she hasn't had a proper party since she was 7. Several theatre trips with friends, swimming trips, that sort of thing.. but she would like something a bit more special now she's going to be a proper teenager. I have looked into hiring our parish hall, but that will cost £75 for the night, £275 for a disco man.. and that doesn't even include food, cake, decorations and her presents.. I'm a bit crunched at the moment, so can't really afford to spend that sort of money. It's likely to be £1000 by the time I'm done.. insert shocked smiley that denotes heart attack here...

Can anyone please help as to what a 13 year old would consider a suitable celebration? I'm not having anything here. House isn't equipped to handle 30 teenagers, and to be frank, neither am I. G's only suggestion is going to the underage night at a local nightclub. I don't think I need to tell you my response to that!

Any help gratefully received.

An exhausted,

Katie x