Tuesday, 21 April 2009

My unexpected life

I've been thinking about this since it was given as a topic..and realised that it is currently what I am living. An unexpected life.

Growing up, I was so secure in what my future would be. I always knew I would marry K, and that we'd just be a happy family.. no crisis, no problems.. I'd marry my prince (I was 14, shut up) and the whole Cinderella thing would come true.

I never expected that life would be so hard. That sometimes, every day would just feel like a struggle to survive. I'm a bit bleak at the moment, so my outlook on things is a little distorted, and that is some excuse for the feelings.. but blimey.. It was never where I expected to be.

The first 10 years of marriage were good.. he was away (that always makes it good, lol) but we coped with that with no fuss. Anything bad that did happen, we dealt with. I never expected long forgotten, or got past issues to rejuvenate themselves with so much pleasure. Seriously, my life has become like one of those terrible childhood trauma books that are everywhere at the moment.

When you are young, you never consider, or I didn't, that things can go wrong. Marriage.. you get married, you are not going to become a statistic.. You are in it for the long haul. You just know that you will be one of those couples who are finishing each others thoughts when you are 92... dribbling next to each other in matching beige cardigans. Of course, K and I might still acheive that.. but I never expected that he would be unfaithful, that he would blame me for it.. or that I'd be so destroyed when it happened. I never expected the strength it would take to work on that. To try and forgive it, understand it. But how could I? Fairytales.. that is what I believed in.

I never expected that one day, I woudl ahve to give evidence against the man I love for domestic violence. It wasn't really that of course, undiagnosed PTSD that manifested itself as an attack on me. That wasn't expected. And I'd never have believed it possible. But it's another thing to get past. To forgive. To not flinch away from. It would be expected that if someone raises a hand to you, you leave. Never look back. But when you see the man you love in so much pain, knowing that there has to be a reason for it... You do what you do. What you need to do.

I never expected that a pregnancy could end in miscarriage. Very naive, but I really didn't. It wasn't an option for me. When I wanted a baby, I would have one. But here I am, the mother of two children instead of 6. Not that I'd have had 6, but that is the number of pregnancies. I also never expected the pain of knowing that my body wasn't good enough to nurture the babies. The feelings of guilt and the bone deep jealousy of other women who can do it.

I suppose I should now look for the unexpected. This morning, I was unexpectedly happy when K and G woke me with breakfast in bed. Or that last night, I unexpectedly slept upstairs for the first time in 18 months and slept properly, without dreams, wrapped in the arms of the husband who hurt me so much.

Maybe I should stop being so cautious, and embrace what's left of life looking for the unexpected. I never knew that a website would provide so many wonderful friends, so many people I can call best friends. (Yes Hushy and Helen.. that's you *sigh)

Ok, so I wasn't expecting (lol) to be so deep this morning. I haven't had my cup of tea yet, so I'm obviously still half asleep. I'm off to be shallow on WYOO..and maybe buy a nappy or two.

K x

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