Had a bath this morning. A proper bath..with bubbles and everything. Not just a quick dip in and out whilst keeping one eye on Lal as he destroys.. well destroys everything.
G was (nominally) watching him, so I took myself away. The thing is, I think I've ruined forever my biochemistry and I don't think my skin or body will ever recover.
It didn't start off too well. Tesco are delivering the shopping between 3-5, so will obviously get here at 5.01, so we only had night time bath stuff. Dreamy Skin by Johnson and Johnson (see BC? Advertising too..) now this contains Moonglow and guarantees that I will fall asleep quicker and easier. But it's day so I don't want to do that! Quick... shower gel.. Kick Start with Ginseng and Guarana, that'll do it. I am now supposed to be feeling revitalised and energised.. good good.
Of course, as it's been a while since I've had a proper bath, and with no man to impress, I haven't shaved for a while.. time to get out the trusty, rusty razor and attempt to tame the legs. Use the Kick Start as a foamy froth and cut 26 tiny little bleeding scars into the legs. Painful but worth it.
Eyes fall upon the White Musk Soft Satin Body Polish (or bits of sand in creme) and decide that that looks good. Forget all about the 26 bleeding cuts until the exfoliator enters the holes and agony ensues.
Forget all about the primping and sink under the water (knees in the air as the bath is too short) and just float for a while. Get into maximum comfort mode and open eyes just in time to see huge plastic frog landing on my head... The babysitter had lost her charge and he'd come to investigate what mummy was doing. Remove frog from head, call G and relax again.
G decides that she has had enough of watching him, and is suddenly desperate to share her need of the toilet and so sits down.. in my bathroom.. obviously the other two toilets in the house aren't good enough, and she was taught to share.. Lal decides that it is tooth brushing time, so uses his commando moves to scale the sink, sit in it and start brushing (and throwing toothpaste tubes, soap dispensers and mouthwash into my bath)
I give up entirely on relaxing and reach for the face wash that guarantees to purify my pores, prevent all forms of aging and leave my skin feeling as soft as the day I was born. Realise that G has used all my one, and use her Witch one instead. It'll still clean my pores..
(Still feeling the pain of the exfoliator btw)
Curse the fact that I sank under the water and now need to wash my hair. Find shampoo.. the shampoo that will leave my hair revitalised, energised, and smelling of chamomile, aloe vera and passion flower.. ooh.. it'll balance the moisture too.. excellent! (Sorry.. I misquoted.. it will "revitalise my senses in a world of botanical bliss")
So, face done, legs done, body done (whilst ignoring the refusing to go away bit of tummy flab that's still left over from Lal) hair done.. covered in ginseng, guarana, white musk, chamomile, aloe vera, passion flower, moonglow, toothpaste, mouthwash, hand soap, plastic frog.. time to get out.
Shoo all children from bathroom - Lal still sitting in the sink, and G now playing "The way you make me feel" by Michael Jackson through her mobile, and rise gracefully from the water. Sigh in frustration as I realise that wet plastic frog landed on my nice fluffy towel when he was ejected from the water, and grumble about having to dry myself with a soggy towel.
And now the drying and dressing stage..
Send Lal and G downstairs to eat Gingerbread men and toast respectively and attempt makeup. Ah, first with face cream. I have the calming eye cream.. the one that will ensure the dark circles disappear whilst simultaneously remove all signs of aging. The face cream that will smooth wrinkles, reinvigorate and revitalise, all the while calming the skin..
Make up consists of lash curling, length enhancing, clump declumping mascara; smoothing and clarifying powder and a little eyeshadow that does nothing but make me look tired.
Hair, well it's still orange after the disastrous dye attempt, so gets minimal hair spray (smoothing, shining whilst giving bounce) and a quick go over with the hair dryer. Lal hears the hair dryer - thinks it's being aimed at him and cowers under his cot for 5 minutes trying to hide. G starts with the "aren't you done yet? I need to straighten my hair."
Locate clothes.. jeans and jumper, it's cold and I'm old. Deodarant.. which promises that I will bask in the glow of calendula and my skin will be restored and enhanced.
So.. I'm clean and I'm calmed, revitalised, restored, enhanced, reinvigorated, clarified, smoothed, balanced, energised, anti aged, smooth as a newborn baby and bleeding. All in 30 minutes.
Came downstairs, tidied up the books that Lal pulled out of the bookshelf, cleaned out two fish tanks, washed up, made more breakfast and wondered why the only thing to work was the bath stuff that guaranteed I'd sleep easier.