Revision

Lal has his two year check tomorrow. Oh my.. the angst. I'm not sure if I should feel flattered or mildly concerned that the health visitor actually rang me to make sure I'm coming.. she can't possibly have heard about the frog pronunciation disaster, surely? But off tomorrow at 11 we will go. He has his best nappy ready to go, just in case she checks - or oh my goodness, should he be potty trained yet? He knows what the potty is.. a very hard hat that he can be Bob the Builder in.. but not to use it for any sort of bodily functions.. Oh, the nappy is a Blueberry Minky Side Snap Cowhide.. In case you were interested.

He'll be wearing smart shirt and cords. Without stains, tears or creases. Maybe even a sweater vest over it in case she thinks I dont care if he's cold. And socks and shoes obviously.

I'll curl his hair nicely (yay the curls are coming back) and try to tame the back so it stops sticking out - he's *not* having it cut again.

I'll even wear my "too good to wear on a normal day" clothes and shoes. And put on make up - not too much.. don't want to appear too eager for him to pass.

And so to the revision. From reading general things on various boards, I'm concerned. Apparently the child has to be able to do the following:

Gross Motor Skills
• Walking & Running without falling - Check. Although forgets to look up sometimes and runs into trees. Will only start running if someone says "Ready Steady Go"
• Able to walk upstairs & downstairs holding on and using two feet per step - Umm, I don't know. He will walk if holding my hands, but prefers to climb up whilst carrying large toys and slide down face first (thanks for teaching him that G)
• Able to throw ball forward without falling over - Yes. Can hit parents in face at a distance of 5 feet
• Walks into ball to kick it - No. Balls are to be loved or thrown. Kicking is for wimps. Rugby is the game of choice in this household (thanks K ) so football kicking is not encouraged. *sigh*

Fine Motor Skills
• Builds a tower of 5-6 bricks - Can knock down a tower of 20 bricks. Has forgotten how to use building bricks for building purposes, only hides them on the floor so mummy can break her neck tripping over them. Used to build towers when he was a year old. Now refuses - and my, we have tried over the last few days. He will not play ball (see above)
• Imitates a circular scribble and straight line - Considers pencils, paper, crayons, pens and paints to have been invented by the devil. Will not contaminate his body by touching them. Revision of drawing has proved unsuccessful.
• Able to turn the single pages of a book - Would happily spend all day reading. Current favourite is Anna Karenina.. seriously.. daft child.

Vision
• Recognises pictures of animals and everyday objects e.g. cup, apple, banana in picture books - Yes, fingers crossed on "frog" and "house." If you want him to say the words to order, you have a better chance of ice skating in hell. With Mother Teresa.
• No squint seen - No, he can't see a squint.

Communication & Hearing
• Able to name 3-5 pictures or objects - Yes. Hopefully. It depends what mood he is in.
• May have about fifty understandable words and understands more - Words only really understandable to me. And to me. Unless it's frog. But can name all the letters of the alphabet and count to teen.
• Beginning to make little sentences of two words e.g. “mummy’s keys” - Nope. No stringing together of words. But he does know the anti theft warning/anti piracy warning at the start of the Bear In The Big Blue House Video.
• Able to tell you what he needs - Will grab hand and lead me to the drinks cupboard if thirsty. Will climb onto kitchen table and jump onto highchair if hungry.
• Able to carry out simple instructions - LOL. That's a joke yes? Me: "Lal.. this way, lets get in the car.." Me: Watch Lal run in opposite direction.

Social Skills & Behaviour
• Plays with toys meaningfully and in make believe play - Nope.. not at all. His little imagination is reserved for books. Unless you count smashing Emily and Jake's heads together (dolls)
• Has little idea of sharing but may be beginning to take turns - LOL again.. nope. Although he is very gentle when removing my hand from his toy.
• Plays alongside other children rather than with them - Will ask nursery. I think he likes to pretend that other people don't exist.
• Very possessive of own toys - Couldn't care less about is toys until someone plays with them.. will then insert himself between person and toy. Takes no prisoners.
• Drinks from a cup and able to feed self with spoon - Pah.. can't everyone?
• Very curious and tries to investigate everything and has no concept of danger - I think this one was written for him.
• Temper tantrums when frustrated but easily distracted - Doesn't like it when tantrums are graded. Gets very annoyed. Forgets to tantrum whilst attempting to shout "10.. a 10.." (He's only ever reached 6 on the tantrum scale)
• May have toilet awareness e.g. know when wet or soiled - Ignoring this one completely.. the nappies, the cloth nappies. No toilet training till he's 6.

Things they probably won't be so impressed about:

Can turn on tv, insert dvd into dvd player and press play.

Can put any number of objects down the loo and is seemingly incapable of learning not to.

Will recite the alphabet only when playing with Winnie the Pooh laptop,and all letters come out sounding American.

Will only eat carrots, carrot puffs, cereal bars, yogurt and fruit pots. And gingerbread men...

I don't think we're going to do very well at this test. Ah well. Gets us out of the house at least.

K xx

So.. that was Christmas

I'm back from my Christmas break.. It was great.. really. Children, presents, excitement... a really restful time. But G is back to school tomorrow, and it's time I got back into blogging. I like blogging, actually, I find myself taking notes of funny things that happen during the day, just so I can write about them at night. I invariably lose the notes, so never have anything much to say.. but the thought is there!

Christmas... Lal's wrapping paper terror came back again. Not surprising that he didn't get over it in the three days since his birthday, but it made Christmas morning a joy. G was ripping into her stuff, Lal sat with his back to everyone in the corner reading a book. His bible actually. Way to make us feel bad that we didn't go to Mass, Lal.. cheers. We had to unwrap all his presents, put them in a pile and cover them with a fleece blanket that he could pull off, before he'd even entertain the idea of looking at them.

The biggest hit was the Bob the Builder Workbench. With it's 1000 decibel speech. And no mute button. I swear the damn thing is alive.. it knows when I'm about to walk past and shouts at me. Very grateful to mum and dad for that one.. I'm left wondering what childhood sins I'm still paying for...

My bestest bestest present, and one that made me consider taking K back, was my dishwasher. It's being fitted tomorrow and I cannot wait. Washing up begone. You have no place in this house anymore..

New Year... Was spent alone. Well half alone. Lal was in bed. To celebrate the advent of 2009, I pressed start on the tumble dryer.. never let it be said that my life lacks excitement! K had taken G to New York to see her cousin - she got back today, went on Tuesday. Absolutely loves it there.. and fits in well with her gangsta ghetto speech style. I spent most of the time she was away trying to work out whether they were 9 hours ahead or behind us. Never did manage it.

Oh, oh.. big news. Nappies. I've become addicted again. Most of my online time now is spent trawling second hand nappy sites, desperate to get a bargain. I have 13 nappies due to arrive in the next few days and I can only remember what 6 of them are. At one point, between Christmas and New Year, I accidentally ordered two lots of the same nappy twice. I mean literally the same, colour style, everything. But with the second hand sites.. you can be sure that there is another mother out there who is equaly as obsessed.. and she will buy them!

And the other big news is that I have a date on Saturday night. I am being taken out for a meal. I'm dating! Of course, I'm dating K, so I know all there is to know about him, but new year, new start. I've decided to give it 3 months. Well date, talk, yadda yadda yadda, and see if there is any chance of marital salvage. If not.. then we're done, but I think 16 years together deserves one more chance before we just give up. No matter what went on.

And the FINAL piece of big news... Lal can now say frog! You know how much of a relief that is. No more swearing at shop keepers.

Got to go.. have to check the nappy sites again, and do my little dance of joy that in 12 hours G will be back at school. And in 36, so will Lal. Happy New Year everyone.

K xx

Now we are *nearly* two

So. It's Lal's birthday tomorrow. My baby turns two. I'm not tidying up and preparing for it in an effort to pretend it's not happening. He's a baby.. not a toddler. Pfft.

Oh, and I've not been around for a while as K is starting an all out offensive to be allowed to come home and I've been hiding from the computer. He sends me emails with songs from youtube on and they are very difficult to ignore. This is what I mean.. Now you try and fail to be moved..

We went to Mass this morning, after a fairly long not going time. I've not been in the right head space to go, but now it's nearly actual Christmas, I need to make the effort.

We got there late, which was bad and meant we had nowhere to sit. Other than a small space at the back which holds the spare hymn books, notice board and a few oddly broken chairs. Lal, of course, was in heaven with all the books and sat quite happily for 30 mins. Just the odd shout of "Cheeses" - Jesus, "Ah Moon" - Amen and "Good God... ell done" Quite why he says well done to God is anyone's guess, but the sentiment is ok.. About 20 minutes before the end, Lal noticed the notice board, studied it for a while and then did what any self respecting nearly 2 year would do.. and tried to eat a yellow drawing pin. His ever vigilant sister, G the brave, saw this and stopped him. This produced a tantrum of epic proportions. So loud that we had to leave Mass early as the screams were literally echoing from the rafters. We got in the car and sat in it for half an hour as we were blocked in the car park.. gave us time to reflect.. And for G to endlessly apologise for daring to prevent death by drawing pin.

Once home, I did the Yummy Mummy thing (I have an apron that proclaims I am one) and made 48 mince pies. 48. And we don't even like them.. but they were supposed to be taken to my parents for Lal's unbirthday party. I forgot them. And the unbirthday cake. So now we have two for tomorrow. *sigh* We did drop some of with the Priests... as I haven't been to Mass, I'm trying to get back into good books. G misheard when I said a light sprinkling of icing sugar on top, so the poor men may now be suffering from diabetes.. Christmas spirit though, right?

Lal largely ignored everything birthday like sadly. He's been told so many times to leave the presents under the tree alone, I think he now has a present phobia and refused to go near, let alone open the ones he got today. And that makes it very difficult to show gratitude for them. Sorry mum! Sorry dad, He does love Thomas really..

Can put it off no longer.. I should wrap his presents, and make good the birthday room. Just think.. this time two years ago I wasn't even in labour.. not for another 3 hours.

K xx

The Cautionary Tale of Language Development

Lal's nursery and I are working together to find a solution to the problem, but I just can't think of anything that we can do. I've been trying to change it for weeks now, and nothing works. Nothing.

I may have mentioned that Lal's speech is coming along quite nicely now. He only has one sentence "Want Daddy now.." but the single words are endless. He does, however, have two words for things which are.. well rude. So please don't read on if you are easily offended. *sigh*

Yesterday at nursery, it was Music Day. They had marraccas, triangles, cymbals, drums, keyboards.. you know, all the things that I have to take a migraine pill before I can allow him to play with them at home. And there were singing plans.

The first song was an innocuous one about houses. "This is the house that Jack built" to be precise.

This is the malt that lay in the house..that Jack built.

Perfectly pleasant words. Nice tune. Unfortunately, Lal can't say "house." He does love to sing though, so babbled meaninglessly until he shouted the word "ARSE" As in, "this is the arse that Jack built." There are 12 verses, each verse contains the word arse. There are now 6 other children who think that house is pronounced arse. I'm expecting parental letters.

The staff were a little confused, and worried, but must have thought that they'd be safe if they sang "5 little speckled frogs." I promise, if I'd known, I'd have warned them. I really would. You see, Lal can't say frog either. But he can recognise them. Ones we see in shops, ones we see in books, in the park, everywhere. And he loves frogs.

So, they started singing..

" 5 little speckled frogs, sat on a speckled log, eating some nice delicious worms.. yum yum.."

Lal's ears pricked up.. the cogs in his mind started turning.. he saw the picture of the frog in the book.. "F*CK.. a F*CK" I think the nursery staff when slightly green, but gamely carried on singing. Every verse again, "4 little speckled f*cks, sat on a speckled luck, eating some nice delicious worms, yum yum...3 little speckled f*cks.. " And because he only sings that one word, well two if you count "luck".. and is so proud of knowing the word.. and singing the word, he sings it so loudly, so that everyone can hear. A roomful of toddlers shouting profanity. Only one of my children could cause that.

One of the women, who informed me what had happened afterwards, said that by the time there was only one speckled f*ck left, even she was singing the wrong word. Another staff member had to leave the room due to hysterical laughter. I'm so proud.

I'm not sure when they are doing another music day, but I've asked them to check the songs they will be doing with me first. And today, Lal and I will be learning the "og" sound.

K xx

Chapter 77

Balls. I had it all written out and pressed back on the browser and lost it all. I really hate myself sometimes. Start again hey?

I spent the weekend with a man. And I spent most of it in bed. A real actual man too, not a Lal sized one. Wow.

As part of the positive parenting experiment G and I headed off for some quality alone time on Friday night. I dropped Lal off with a working from home in his heated flat K, and went to pick G up from school. Had a slight nag at her unwillingness to get changed in the car, even though I was holding her blazer to cover her - pfft, some children - and off we went to a manicure nail salon place. It was run by giggling Vietnamese people, who were brilliant, but were no doubt giggling due to the fumes. Despite never having actually been high, I've no doubt that I was on my way to getting there. Very light headed, I only just managed to veto G's order of false nails. And then she wanted jewels on her real nails, but was put off (and slightly green) when I told her that they had to drill into her nails and hook the jewel in. I've no idea how true that is, but it did the job.

We then went disco clothes shopping. She wouldn't set foot in Laura Ashley for some reason, so the delights of Tammy gave us a boob tube dress, cardigan shrug thingy, high heeled shoes, footless tights and heart pendant #48695. I think my lips bled from the biting they received, but positive parenting won out and the arguments were avoided.

Picked up Lal, came home, had takeaway, cooked popcorn and settled down on the sofa to watch I'm a Celebrity and see who won. I'm informed that I fell asleep at 9.07 and only woke when her scream of delight that Joe won pierced my dreams. And then I fell back asleep again. So much for together time hey? Poor little girl. She had to stay up till 2 watching films and Hannah Montana whilst I slept on the sofa.Next to her. Feel sorry for her. Do.

K arrived to pick up the children on Saturday morning. Alarm bells should have rung when he got here early.. but I was too woolly headed from the sofa sleeping, the cold that still refuses to go (is 2 weeks a record?) and the fumes from the manicure place. He also arrived with a bag. Apparently, the heating in his flat, that was working perfectly the night before, had died and there was no way he could take the children there. Obviously. So could he stay?

I felt so ill, I'm pretty sure I said yes before he'd finished speaking, but I did manage to make it perfectly clear that I would be in bed, dying, and all child related responsibilty was his. And he could sleep on the bed that is cunningly disguised as a sofa, in the playroom.

To give him credit, which I hate to do, he was very good. I wasn't woken or bothered by them at all.. and he kept bringing me cups of tea and food. Whilst giving me the "you're not eating enough" stare, but you can't have everything.

One upside is that Lal is now a complete daddy's boy, which is fab. And G didn't go near her computer all weekend. K even bought us a Chinese once the children were in bed and we sat and ate and talked. It was nice, uncomfortable, but nice. In a way.

He somehow invited himself to come back next weekend and help put the decorations up.. not sure how I feel about that though. On the one hand, they are his children too, and why should he miss something like that? But on the other, it seems a bit too family like and we're not back there yet.. if we get there at all. I have no problems with him spending Christmas Day/Boxing Day here, it's Lal's first proper Christmas (ok, the 3rd, but the other two don't count as he was only 3 days old, and 1 year 3 days old) and he shouldn't miss that... but putting the decorations up? Spending another weekend here? Cos I know that will happen... not sure I'm ready for that.

See what happens when I write and I'm still nail varnished high? And suffering from evil colds? I go all deep and meaningful. This must stop.

It's supposed to be my alone time, Lal's at nursery.. ooh he now loves it there completely. Actually pushed me out of the door this morning to make me leave. Nice huh? They break up on Friday for the Christmas break.. what am I going to do? He wakes up every morning acking for school.. I'm going to have to buy desks.. and friends.. and create his own school here.

(Oh, and the weekend in bed with a man? I spent the weekend in bed, the man was here, but never the two shall meet.. )

K xx

Just call me Delilah

Before I start.. here, photographic evidence. Wearing the same jumper, both pre and post butchering.

.





You see? He's a different child.. and far too grown up. And I think all his good humour was contained within the hair as he's been a whinging whine bag all day. Grow hair, grow.

Other than that source of depression, it's been a good day. I have officially finished all my Christmas shopping. Well except for the food. But if I buy that now it'll go off. Lal fell asleep in the pushchair about 2 minutes after leaving the car park, which was brilliant as it enabled me to shop without having to stop every two minutes to plug him back in. To the pushchair.. not a battery source.. ooh, but how good would that be? A natural break everytime a toddler's batteries ran out.. *daydreams longingly*
Which reminds me.. his continual eating of my mobile phone has left it unable to charge. I don't know why.. but there is sort of green goo in the charging bit and now it fails to recognise when it's plugged in. I may have to buy yet another one. Pfft.

I was in the car coming back home, shopping laden, when there was an absolutely brilliant advert on the radio (Magic FM... all songs I know) from the NHS. Apparently.. when you sneeze or cough, the best thing to do is to use a tissue to stop the germs spreading. Now, I didn't know that and can now see, by dint of ridiculously expensive advertising campaign, that yes, a tissue will protect those around me.. and stop snot running down my face. It also helpfully told me that when I have used the tissue, I should put it in the bin. Genius idea. Nice to know that the NHS is spending their money wisely.

That's it for tonight, I am pretending to put the Tesco shop away, Lal's toys away, do the ironing and empty the recycling for tomorrow's collection.. so if anyone asks, you didn't see me.

K xx

Butchered

I've been ill, hence the lack of words. Not just ill. Really ill. Stupid cold. It's refused to either go away or kill me and I'm fed up now. The house is littered with tissues, empty lemsip packets, lockets and tunes wrappers and I'm still not well. Stupid cold.

And the cold made me do something unforgiveable. Something so heinous, so incredibly wrong that our already fractured family may never recover.

Lal has had a haircut. It's been bothering me for ages, the bit of hair on the back of his head that jutted out in a tangled, matted triangle. Doting and obsessed mummy aside, it made him look a bit deformed.

That's no excuse for the butchery that happened today though. Somehow, he ended up with a short back and sides. There are no curls at all. None. They didn't even appear at bathtime tonight, when I kept putting a wet flannel on his head and twirling the 1cm hair round my fingers.

The worst thing? He now looks like a BOY. Not a baby, not really even a toddler.. an actual boy. It's like he should be off to big school tomorrow. I hate it.

He was excellently behaved whilst in the butchers though. Sat perfectly still reading a book. I sat, looking in the mirror, trying to summon the courage to ask the woman to stop snipping away. I didn't want to be rude though, so stayed quiet. And wept quietly inside.

I'm going to make him wear lots of hats until it's grown back. And he's going to be a hippy. And never have a haircut again.

Even G hates it. I just tucked her into bed, told her that I loved her, and that she is my girl. My best girl (I'm trying positive reinforcement as a behaviour modification tool) Her reply? "Yes mum, I know.. and Lal is your short haired freak.." Nice.. but true. The poor hair. *sobs*

Oh yes, and he started nursery again.. after not having gone for about 6 weeks.. he recognised the car park and ran in the opposite direction. I caught him and he screamed piteously as I took him inside. And cried more once in there. Until he saw the really fancy hoover (toy one) that they have.. and left me without a backward glance... Oh, the hoover is FAB! It says.."Come on.. let's get cleaning..." I ordered one from Amazon within 49 seconds of coming home.

Hmm... I wonder if his hair will grow back quicker if I pull it...

K x