I have spent all day in the garden. I have weeded, planted, forked (that's forked..) watered, scratched to my hearts content. I now have no body. Or I have a body, but it won't move. It hurts. I can barely lift my cup of tea up. Seriously.

But enough of the humdrum. Lal. A perfect end to what was actually a really nice day.

He was bathed, drying, and left sitting on the bed, whilst I got his clothes and nappy out. Somehow he found the glasses case that K lost about 6 months ago and was happily talking to it, and playing with it.

I reached for a vest and heard a ridiculously loud scream. He'd attempted to circumcise himself using said glasses case. He poor little penis was still stuck in it. In the snappy bit! He was writhing over the bed, crying.. I got it off, picked him up, and he stopped.

He now has a large blood blister, with a tiny drop of blood coming from it, and a huge lump along the top, not the tip, of his penis.

Dammit. Why? I'm not usually quite so irresponsible. Well, ok.. I am. But I don't mean to be.

I can tell not much sleep will be had by me tonight.. I need to check that he can still wee. Not that I'm overreacting or anything.. but you know. I could actually now have a girl. And he'll have to be called Alexandra instead.

List of baby maiming so far:

Pyloric Stenosis: Scar on tummy.. Not so much my fault..

Hair caught around toe: Developed a form of Herpes.. Hospital stay required: My fault

Several head smacks against door frames: Damage not yet known: My fault

Home Castration/Circumcision: Possible failure to wee correctly: K's fault for needing glasses..

Grrrr

K x x

Crash.. uh oh

I had loads to do yesterday.. I decided that I am going to live by Budget, die by Budget, and lose the Die in Debt plan that has treated me so well over the last few years.

Started off well.. managed to knock £40 off the food shop, I'm discounting the fact that K is away for the week.. that saves me nothing! :) Also decided to bake my own snacks. Oh yes, no biscuits touched the trolley, no cakes... nothing. I am one of "those" people now. I have a pink apron that says Yummy Mummy and everything. I can feel the change.

Ooh.. before Tesco.. plenty of G fun to be had.. the Dreaded Non Uniform Day. Oh the joy of having to pay £1 to have a knock down stand up fight with your child. It's wonderful. I maybe old fashioned, but my initial reaction to wearing short shorts, over tights,and a skimpy top, is that it isn't quite right for a Catholic school. I made the mistake of articulating these thoughts. I was informed, under no uncertain terms, that she would "do as she likes".. Oh yes. Teenage angst.. marvellous. Fought the child into getting changed.. why can't she just wear jeans and a T shirt? Got annoyed and told her to be straight home from school, no stopping at the shop for sweets, nothing.. Response? Slammed out of house. I may have followed her up the road in my blue fluffy dressing gown, may have told her to never speak to me like that EVER again... may have told her that I'd make her life a living hell. According to her, it already is.. I'm a success as a parent! Woo hooooooo...Anyway.. back to Tesco!Lal was in fine fettle. Tracing the prices of crisps with his fingers, studying them, looking up, clapping the prices and saying "well done." He's looking for a job, obviously, little suck up!

Ok.. so.. I'm putting the shopping away. Being ultra organised and even cleaning out the fridge and sorting the cupboards. Brain completely switched off. Don't hear the monster wake from his (ridiculously short nap) and leave the sofa. Hear crashing. Brat child has pulled my cup of tea and G's still mostly full cereal bowl of the table. Tea and milk and soggy cheerios everywhere... GAH!
Soak it up, and wash with cold water (urgh the stale milk smell.. must prevent.. lmao) Leave very wet rug drying out. Bring Monstrous into the kitchen to help me.

Start cleaning out fridge again. Fail to notice that he's disappeared and is now ferrying milk bottles (late milkman) from the hall to the kitchen to "help." Hear crash, smash and "B*gger" (Yes, he does swear.. I am now replacing all my swearing with "Squiggle" - not as much fun as it sounds.) Rescue baby from sea of milk and glass, shove him in cot.. run downstairs, but not quickly enough to prevent the milk from sinking into another rug.

GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and OH SQUIGGLE!

(On the plus side... I found the missing "i" from the alphabet puzzle behind the clock! )

K x

Embarrassing toddler moments

There are a few.. G ones usually. Lal hasn't perfected the Art of Embarrassment yet. He'll get it though. *sigh*

When G was younger, I took her swimming every week. I couldn't get her to actual classes because I was either working or at Uni, so we'd head off on a Saturday morning and play in the baby pool.

Far from being a mute like Lal, the only words he seems to say are either swearing or unintelligible, she had a huge vocabulary. Which wasn't so much fun.

When she was 2, still in pull up nappies, off we went to the pool. Swimming Costume on under clothes, pull up on under cossie. Perfect. Whip it out when we got there, straight in the pool. No fuss.. etc etc. Once again. I was wrong.

We arrived in the It's Saturday Morning and therefore packed changing rooms, got a cubicle, and started to get ready. She was chattering away as usual, nothing out of the ordinary.. I started to inch the nappy out from under the swimming costume. Sudden silence outside the doors and Little Miss G pipes up, in her best carrying voice.." No mummy.. noooooooo.. please... don't put your fingers in my bottom.. noooooooooo"

Silence turns to frigid shock outside. I started gabbling on about removing the nappy.. no fingers.. it's not happening.. NO! "There.. NAPPY off from UNDER swimming costume baby.. let's go.."

I swear the child was whimpering when we left...

Embarrassing tales Part Two

Walking to shops, aged 4.. stop to admire daisy's near a 40ish year old man chatting with a group of friends. Hear him exclaim in disbelief, " I mean, I ain't done nuffin wrong.." Lose control of child, who wanderes over to him, pulls his sleeve, and said "If you haven't done nothing wrong, then you have done something.. that's right isn't it Mummy?" Umm... run?

Electrician, standing on step ladder in our sitting room, fixing lights to the ceiling. 3 year old wanders up to him, appropos of nothing and says.." We don't say f*cking ell in this house.." No one had said it!

Mass, aged 3.. removes all clothes except for body type top, colours in legs and arms with biro, and run around shouting.. "I'm a 'pider.."

Can't wait until Lal starts speaking properly.. really..

K x

A date for the daughter

Ok.. G's date. The one I was not happy about. She's 12 for goodness sake.

It was due to start at 1pm. Cinema trip and a MacDonalds lunch. Ah, young love.

By 10am, she was driving me insane. She had managed to get herself dresses, and redressed after I told her that the top she was wearing was indecent - it was mine obviously, she doesn't actually own indecent clothes. She's the same height as me already, so helps herself usually.
But there were hair problems. It wouldn't go right. She tried the curlers, the straighteners, gel, hairspray, hair up.. hair down.. half up.. plaits, bunches, nothing looked good enough for Ben. Nothing. So I had enough. I cut the fringe. Every millimeter that came off was met with winces "not too short" or "It's not straight,,, muuuummmmm." I was half tempted to shave the whole lot off. I can't deal with not so teenage angst. Especially not at 10.45.

By 11, the hair was teased into perfection, and she was finally satisfied, and it was time for make up. Because she had already got it out (mine again) Lal had discovered the joys of lipstick, and was liberally applying it himself, he is still stained slightly red 24 hours later.
But to G.. make up, ever so slightly applied, I just put some powder on a brush.. but she still thinks it was full make up.. a little lipstick.. and she was ready.

It was 11.15. We didn't need to leave until 12.45. Nothing like being ready early.

So.. to town. We left at 12.20, as she was driving me crazy with the "Is it time yet? What about now?" Got to town, parked, and threatened to throw her constantly beeping mobile in the river. Endless texts from him... "on bus.." "Bus going round corner" "Bus stopped at traffic lights" Seriously? These are the sorts of texts they send. Every 16 seconds of the bus ride.

I, evilly, didn't put Lal in the pushchair, but let him walk around, he's still rather slow, so she was having kittens that she'd be late. For goodness sake. And for good measure, I let him have a go on the Bob the Builder ride outside Wilkinsons. Fun. First ride and he loved it. G didn't. The now permanently stuck to her hand mobile was frantically beeping, she was sliding from foot to foot like she needed a wee in desperation. " WE HAVE TO GO NOW! He's there.. COME On MUMMMM" Ok then..

Approaching the boy.. who was waiting outside the oh so romantic BHS.. The first thing I noticed was the hair. It was long and shaggy. K would not be impressed.
He was rather sweet though. Was entirely unsure what to do. He called me Ma'am for goodness sake. Although he looked nice, I still needed to frighten him.

MUM YOUR DEAD MEAT, I’M GONNA KILL YOU!!! I HATE YOU! ( That was written by G after I left my computer unattended.. I don’t think she’s very happy with me for telling her tale..)

So. To get back.. I needed to frighten him. I handed him Lal, and advised them both that if they weren’t careful, and stayed at least 6 chairs length away from each other in the cinema, they’d end up with one of him. I then got out G’s baby pictures. I have never seen such an evil stare from my daughter in my life. I then pretended to leave, telling them that Lal was their chaperone and that all his food was in the bottom of the pram, the nappies were in the bag, and he needed a change now. Never seen her move so quickly to hand him back. Ever. Satisfied that my mission was done, I left them to it, making sure that they were both aware I could ring them, text them or turn up at any time..

She came home four hours later, he saw her onto the bus, and had had a wonderful time. Not that I was told.. she still isn’t talking to me.

Ah well.

K x x

An experiment with food.

You know those days, where you don't get a single minute just to sit, but still don't feel like you achieved very much? Well that was yesterday. I've only just recovered enough to write about it. It wasn't fun.

Firstly.. K came home. Well, it was supposed to be firstly. The flight was delayed, so they 2am arrival time was put back till 10am. And then 12.30pm because he had to nip into the office first. Obviously. 8 days away from home, the first person I would want to see would be my boss. Never mind the family putting on welcome home party.* So he arrived home, eventually at about 2.45. Wonderful. Was not impressed with Lal's joyous reaction. Anyone would think I'd been abusing the boy. The Daddy Rapture was out in full force, and mummy could.. well go away. So I did.

* there wasn't actually a party.. but, you know, there could have been - he didn't know..

I actually went out, in my car, without children. I had the CD turned up high, I'm NOT telling you it was Take That. I'm 14 again, obviously. I went off on my adventure to pay for and collect a slide I won on ebay. Lovely slide. Also found my dream house. It wasn't a house, it was a Hall. An actual Hall. That you could only get to by driving up a lane that said to ********** Hall ONLY. No point going down there if you are looking for Tesco.. just the one house. I pulled up, and was greeted by 5 ancient, fat and waddling dogs. There was a lake outside the front door, with a tyre swing. There was even a man in a flat cap roaming the fields with a shotgun tucked under his arm. I want that house. Anyway, I collected the jet washed, power washed, steam cleaned slide, paid for it, and came home, mentally planning my lottery win where I would buy out the current owners and move us all in... It could happen.

When I got home, Super Dad had decided to heed Lal's pleas and let him have a nap. Flipping brilliant. I became the doom laded soothsayer, who KNOWS that afternoon nap, at 4pm, will guarantee that Demon Child will NOT go to bed at 7. But Daddy knows best...

Made lots of noise round baby. woke him up, showed him his new slide. He displayed actual awe. Loved it. Looks like a nice day today, so I'll lock them all outside to play whilst I nap (or play around on bc)
Made tea.. ate tea.. looked at suspicously quiet baby who had decided to empty out our food cupboard and make a delicious meal for himself. With a can of Carlsberg to wash it down. The meal he made, and watch out Gordon, was a delightful combination of sultanas and dried skimmed milk. To get the proper glue like consistancy, he dripped his drink into it, and seasoned with icing sugar. Of course, the kitchen floor was his prep area, so it was a real.. umm.. fun time?

I decided to give him a later bath. I'm not that hampered by my routine - I realise it is actually his routine, but it helps me. Sleeping child at 7.30.. perfect. Last night, however, it was bathing child at 7.30.. attempted first sleep at 8. Failed. Allowed him to play. Second sleep.. 9, failed. Watched as child scaled radiator. Third sleep, 9.45, failed. Watched as child picked out a tune on his new American (thanks Daddy) zylophone.. and fell over cushion and hit head on cupboard - big red gash. Fourth sleep.. 10.25pm.. Success. (do we owe it to the concussion??)
Three hours late, but success, I was, by this time, a whimpering mess, rocking in the corner. Lal's impressively created tea had been stomped around the house, courtesy of all the other family members. Not their fault. How could they be expected to know how to pick stuff up off the floor? Or sweeping? Or even emptying the rubbish out?

So.. I tidied, washed, scrubbed, made myself a cup of tea, sat at the computer to join in our birth board msn chat night (Hushy arranged) and everyone had gone. Wonderful.

Ok.. that was most of yesterday. G had her first date.. I think she deserves a seperate entry.. check back later! :)

K x

Meh..

Right so.. I've been bad again. Apologies. K has been away, G has been off, and Lal is the usual terror. It's been fun!
K is back tonight.. well early tomorrow morning, andI should be preparing the house, but honestly? I haven't missed him that much and the piles of wshing, washing up, sweeping, cleaning and hoovering can wait.

I have decided that I am lazy mother again. I have been watching the Day in the Life things that people have done on my birth board, and we do nothing in comparison. Chasing Lal around doesn't count.. so on Sunday we went to a Butterfly World type place. Wonderful. -10 outside and we stepped into the rainforest and were suddenly attacked from all angles by tropical butterflies. I notice that most of the other people in there weren't yelping and ducking every 45 seconds.. just me and mine. But hey... you never know what vicious attack a butterfly could perpetrate. Honestly. It's the winged thing fear again. Oh, and yes, I did see a vulture.. and G did burst into Jungle Book song.
On a warm day, the place would have been marvellous, but its not as much fun as it sounds watching Wallabys and Lemurs in a blizzard. Even the poor Barn Owl was shivering as he flew. We will be going back.. at some stage.. when it's over 25 degrees. I don't do outside when it's less than that.
Good mother experiment mark two was yesterday. I took them both to Wacky Hellhouse, or Warehouse as the sign actually says. Ball pit and climbing fun. My idea of heaven. Probably not the best time to take the littlest one when he'd only had a 15 minute nap. He was fine as long as I sat in the balls with him, as soon as I moved all hell broke loose. I did occasionally glance over at the other child, who was sat, hidden behind a pillar, desperately texting friends and pretending she wasn't there. She's too grown up for it all now apparently.
We left after 30 mins.. and won't be going back. On the upside we did do a special lal activity in Sainsbury's. His new favouritist thing ever is to wander (actually walk.. oh yes) round and force poor shoppers to play trolley dodgems whilst he starts, stops and turns to cause maximum crashes. Good job he's cute.

But the best news, in an entirely evil way... Lal has a cold. Aww.. shame.. and it really is. BUT... I had promised G that we could do her activity today.. and she chose, and she knows I hate it, swimming! Sadly, poorly sneezing baby has put paid to that idea. I let her have a bath with goggles instead.

Right.. that has been the last couple of days.. I shall try to do more tonight when I have finished the daily drudge and prepared a nice welcome home for the errant husband. Although if he thinks I'm waiting up for him...

K x x

A day in the life

On our bb we are doing a day in the life of our lo's...


Here's Lally! (Why does that sound so ominous?)



Lally's Day 04/04/08