How not to shop

Yesterday we decided that we would actually do a Tesco shop, rather than order online. No idea why, broke up the day maybe? Or thought we’d spend less? Anyway, the four of us set off for the bright lights. It was post Lal nap and lunch, so he was in a good mood, I was starting the afternoon exhaustion that hits most days, G was sulking because she was forced to come along and K was grumpy because he would miss part of the rugby.

We arrived in the car park, and managed to get an actual Parent and Baby space, that never happens. But with true deference to the Lord of Sod, happened when K was with me, thus negating one of my excuses for not going shopping..

G stropped once again, and as was her plan, managed to stay in the car to listen to the radio, don’t tell K, he thinks it was a punishment. She finds me embarrassing when we’re out of the house, something to do with me singing constantly, or having lettuce conversations with Lal. Good fun, lettuce conversations, he’s still at the age where he believes that lettuces, and indeed all salads, fruits and vegetables will talk to him, tell jokes, and pretend to hit themselves on the head. I can’t think why that is embarrassing to her.

Back to the car park… K decided that the Little Tikes car attached to the front of a trolley looked wonderful, and that HIS son definitely had to have a go in that. I did try to warn him that the things are a nightmare to push, but he wouldn’t listen, so I just muttered dire threats that I wouldn’t be pushing today, and that it was all down to him.

Inside the store, the shopping started well. I resisted the urge to buy myself a book.. when would I have time to read it? Ignored all Easter special offers, eggs, fluffy chicks, fancy egg cups.. Muttered once again about the commercialisation of Easter, it’s not about eggs you know… Another reason G probably refused to come in with us.

We went round quite happily, with Lal chatting away whilst “driving” the car, every so often helping himself to things on lower shelves if K got too close. Apparently he loves marmite, chocolate spread and cat biscuits. We got as far as the Tinned goods Aisle, when I realised I had forgotten the head cooler things for migraines, so left K with Lal and headed back.

K decided that he would check the paper for the rugby stats of the game he was missing, so opened the paper on top of the Little Tikes car, and got stuck in. I didn’t witness what happened next, as I had gotten distracted by some on offer baby clothes, but evidently. K got a little too involved in the paper, and didn’t notice Lal escaping the car and heading off for an adventure. He did eventually look down and realise that there was no baby there. He immediately tried looking for Lal, and calling for him, but to be fair, we’re not entirely sure that Lal knows his own name, let alone how to answer back.

I then heard an announcement over the annoy system, “Ladies and Gentlemen, we are closing the doors at the front of the store, as we have a missing 15 month old boy. He is wearing blue and can crawl. Please inform a member of staff if you see the child. Thank you.” I tutted a little at the irresponsibility of parents who wouldn’t keep an eye on their child whilst in a busy store.. and then realised that they could be talking about Lal.

I don’t think I need to describe the panic, and to be frank, I don’t want to! I did drop the dungarees I was holding and sprint to where I had left them. By the time I got there, a staff member had located the errant child. He was found sitting on the cereal shelf reading aloud* the ingredients of a box of Shreddies. The ones he isn’t allowed because of the sugar content. He was staging a protest, obviously.

We took possession of the boy, he was banned from the car, and forcibly carried around the rest of the store. Tesco reopened their front doors and customers were once again allowed to leave.

Lessons were learnt. K will no longer be allowed to be alone with the child. He will no longer moan when I internet shop, at least I can’t lose his son that way (cat flap escapades notwithstanding) and we both learnt that a disappearing child does wonders for keeping the price down. Suddenly biscuits, cakes and crisps didn’t seem that appealing.

I never did get the dungarees, the migraine patch was definitely used, and the child is now tied to a chair.

After yesterday’s excitement, I don’t have the energy to mention today. Suffice it to say, we went to Mass. G was great. Lal wasn’t. There were Palm Cross in eyes incidents. A sudden realisation that grown ups aren’t the only ones who can remove nappies (and wave them about) and one untimely Bugger shouted at a Priest.

And we’re now out of cold compresses…

K x x

*babbling incoherently, although he knows what he was saying