Wednesday, 9 July 2008

Things they daren't tell you about teens

I love G. I remember the days when she was young and cute and cuddly, and not wrapped up in a hormonal mess of contradictions. It's not fun living with a 12 year old. Especially one who is taller than me.

The things they don't and never will tell you:

  1. That girls are far, far worse than boys.

  2. That you can no longer beat her with sticks. She knows the number for Child line. (Don't really use a stick..)

  3. That the day after her 11th birthday, she will suddenly develop the ability to speak only in American Gangsta Style. She is from the 'hood don't you know?

  4. That she is positive you only exist to embarrass her.

  5. That she just doesn't listen. Ever. Ever. Ever.

  6. That when you tell her off, she will just walk away. The only way to get her back is to sit on her.

  7. That, much like your toddler, you will never get a nice photo again. They are all posed. In our case, she looks slightly demented with eyes looking skywards, you can only see the whites.

  8. That she will insist that her hair looks "cool" when worn with a completely diagonal fringe. (Doesn't - it looks ridiculous)

  9. That only clothes that show maximum cleavage (whether there is any or not) can be worn.

  10. Trousers must be form fitting, and shorts have to be minis.

  11. All complaints from parents are settled with the slam of a door.

  12. That one minute she is grown up and completely responsible, and the next she is "still a child and can't possibly pick a towel up from the floor"

  13. That she will lose her individuality and become one of the "everybody" does it/has it crowd.

  14. That she will lose the ability to walk without dragging her feet along the floor and the swish scrape sound will follow you everywhere you go.

  15. That she thinks you are hopelessly old fashioned and despises every single thing about you.

  16. That she may well have desperately wanted a baby brother for 7 years, but when she got one, she isn't "that" bothered and thought he'd be born at age 6.

  17. That when you ask her to "watch the baby" she will do exactly that. No interaction at all.

  18. That no matter how many hours you spend washing and ironing her clothes, if you are lucky enough that she will actually put them away, the ironed stuff with never go on a hanger. It'll be shoved in a drawer. Pfft

  19. That she will melt if she goes outside in rain, she will no longer find pleasure in splashing in puddles.

  20. That she will write endless diary entries about how her mother is destroying her life, by not allowing her to wear mascara (Not that I've read the diary)

  21. That she can be so damn rude you want to sew her lips together whilst she sleeps.

  22. That you count down the days until she will start Uni, and plan for one that is far, far away.

  23. That she cannot leave the house until every hair is perfectly in place. Even if you are just going to the park.

  24. That when she gets home from school at night, she will only get changed into *best* clothes. To wear for 3 hours before she gets ready for bed. *sigh*

  25. That although she pretends to be grown up, she loves to play with baby toys.

  26. That she will loudly lament the lack of a Feb 1996 birth club on bc.. just because there isn't a Secret Santa for her..

  27. That the PING from MSN is a sound you hear so often, you runto the pc even when it's turned off. (And shh.. when I use it, I have the volume turned down)

  28. That no matter how much you beg, she will only ever use txt spk. You can try telling her that repeated use of it on msn will turn her brain to mush, but she doesn't care.

  29. That the moments when she forgets that she is a "grown up" are to be savoured and treasured. Spontaneous teenage cuddles are the best.

All done I think. There aren't many good ones, are there?

K xx

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