Wednesday, 11 June 2008

A cunning plan

As plan that is as cunning as a fox who has just been made Professor of Cunning at Oxford University? Oh yes (Thanks Blackadder!lol)

Today I didn't have much planned, a visit to the Health Visitor to check up on Lal's weight, but nothing else. I was even completely lazy and didn't get out of my pj's until 1.45pm. Now that is bad.. but so good!

At about 2, the Sand and Water table I ordered from Woolworths came. Outside our playroom (which used to be our dining room and before that our garage) we have a nice, since I planted pots out there and picked up the rubbish, pathway leading to the back garden. As the playroom has an outside door, I thought it would be nice for Lal to have a fancy little table to be creative at. Or just to throw all the sand on the floor and splash me with water. Whichever he prefers..

Anyway, the table arrived a whole day early and I thought I'd head off and get some sand.. we have a Homebase 1.8miles away from us.. not too far and perfect walking distance to tire Lal out. I also needed to go to the chemist which is 0.9 miles away from Homebase (distances will become important later..) So, we got dressed properly, smothered Lal in sun cream, got drinks, snacks, sunglasses, rain mac just in case and went to leave. Knock at the door. One of my neighbours. Dammit, forgot it was Wednesday and that somehow, whilst complaining to them about them cutting down one of my hedges, I offered to babysit their granddaughter one afternoon a week for the rest of my life.. I don't know how.

So.. two children, one pushchair.. no problem. Little Keeligh.. Kayleigh.. Keeley.. Cailey (no idea) is nearly 3, she can walk, or sit on the handlebars.. no problem there.

Off we go.. Homebase and Chemist. It started so well, we walked, we sang, we entertained passers by with our jolly spirits and slightly demented grins. Lal got out of the pushchair and did his car touching thing, Kayleigh/Keeley/Cailey kept up her "naughty baby" monologue and I offered drinks every six minutes. We got to Homebase, made a beeline for the Play Sand Aisle (there isn't one.. it's right at the back of the store) manouvered one bag of sand into the fabric tray thing underneath the pushchair and headed to the checkout. Noticed one slight problem. Sand is heavy. Sand is VERY heavy. Sand weighed approx 18 tonnes and the pushchair wouldn't go round corners. Meh.. no problem. It'll be an adventure. Paid.. left Homebase and walked on to the chemist. Now those among you who have a single grain of sense will no doubt be wondering why I didn't go to the chemist first and collect the sand on the way back. That is part one of the failure of my cunning plan.

Got to the pathway that leads to the chemist and remembered that it was possibly the biggest hill ever. Ok, maybe a slight incline, but still.. heavy sand, two toddlers. Painful. Removed Lal from chair again and made them both walk. Kayleigh/Keeley/Cailey wanted to hold his hand. My son would rather have had his hand cut off than oblige. I gave them each two raisins and forced them onwards... and upwards. Arrived at chemist.. purchased eye drops (oh so important.. why didn't I leave them?) and paid. Rearranged pregnancy tests on the shelves after Lal pulled them down and Kayleigh/Keeley/Cailey hid them amongst the tampax.. Left chemist.

Next problem. Both children were exhausted. Lal had walked probably 6 times the distance he's used to and Kayleigh/Keeley/Cailey hadn't even had a sit down. Right.. action.. sat girl (can't write all that again) in the pushchair... sat Lal on handlebars and managed after a running start to get the groaning pushchair moving again. We got as far at the pathway, about 2 miles from home, before the fabric tray holding the now 42 tonnes of sand broke. Now what on earth was I supposed to do? Removed girl from pushchair, sat Lal on the floor, gave them both a biscuit and drink and looked at the carnage. I swear, both children were laughing at me. I tried putting the sand on the pushchair hood.. nope.. would just have crushed whichever child was sat under it.Tried jamming it on top of the bars that hold the damn thing together. That worked, but the about to burst wheels wouldn't turn. In the end, I sat the children on top of each other and put the sand over my shoulder. I managed to move about 12 metres before I died.

Finally, the best possible solution.. I abandoned the sand next to a bin and sobbed all the way home. As did the children who were both exhausted and both wanted to sit in the pushchair. It was two miles of hell. Hell. And never, ever again. I'm now trying to get up the courage to tell Keeley/Kayleigh/Cailey's nan that I can't look after her again.. and could she please not cut down my hedges, that are on my garden, without asking me first.

Am also planning a car trip to Homebase tomorrow to by some more sand.

My cunning plan was a bust.. always happens...

Off to soak my aching shoulders and screaming muscles..

K x x

(Just about to hit publish.. and a note from G. " Mum, Lal's put three full toilet rolls down the loo again.." GREAT!

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