"You hate me don't you?" And other teenagerisms

It won't surprise you to know that I have many conversations a day. There doesn't necessarily need to be anyone there, I can talk to myself and answer too. Chats with Lal are usually fruitless, I'll happily list the letters of the alphabet, the numbers on the puzzle, or name the pictures in his books. He takes after his father and either grunts in response, ignores me totally or mutters gibberish.

Conversations with G make me want to tear my hair out. A selection of a few from today.

Morning:

"Jogs, time to get up, it's 7:01"

"I'm up, I'm getting dressed" said whilst still under the covers with eyes closed.

20 mins later

"Jogs, if you don't get up now, you won't have time for breakfast and will be late for school."

"I'm up.. and anyway you know I'm on a diet."

"Umm.. no, you're too young to diet. If you want to tone up, try more exercise."

"I mean, I'm not on a diet, I buy breakfast at school."

"No, you don't. I've stopped giving you money for breakfast at school, I realise that you use it to buy sweets and I have perfectly good breakfast here. Now, will you GET UP. Your brother is up and has had his breakfast."

"Big wow. He's a baby. Whatever. I'm up now anyway."

"I'll be up those stairs in 2 minutes, if you're not dressed, I'll get the water jug.."

"You dare, I'll ring childline."

15 minutes later she was up and dressed. I say dressed, the shirt was hanging out, pleated skirt once again giving me a lovely view of her knickers every time she bent over, and the tie was.. well sort of big, with three stripes showing, According to the Uniform Rule list which MUST be obeyed under pain of death, there have to be 7 stripes showing. Oh, and the must be black hair band was royal blue. At least it was tied back, small mercies.

Chat number two.. leaving the house.

"Could you undo the rolls in your skirt please. Hoiking it up like that makes you look ridiculous."

"No, only nerds don't roll their skirts up..Everyone else does it!"

"When did we move to America and have groups of people who are classed as nerds? Are they the ones who don't get invited to the prom? You're not watching that High School Musical again. It's influencing you, obviously. And who is this ubiquitous everyone? I don't roll my skirt up, therefore NOT everyone does it."

"You're a nerd then. And you can't control what I watch. I am NOT rolling my skirt down. You just want to make everyone hate me. You don't want me to have any friends just because you don't. You want me to be SAD like you. I hate you. You're ruining my life.."

"I know I am, it's an oath I took when I became a parent, I take it very seriously. Look, when you walk to school, you not only reflect us as a family, but your school. Show a little respect for your uniform. Dress properly until you geto to school, then go mad. Now, go. you'll be late. Have you got your lunch?"

"I hate you. How do the people who walk to school know who my family is? You're so sad, I can't wait to leave home. I don't want any lunch, I told you I'm on a diet. And anyway. I hate sandwiches, why can't I have dinner money like everyone else?"

"Because you spend dinner money on sweets" Door slams as she walks out.

Exhausted yet? It's only 7.55... she'll be home at 4.30.

"Hi sweetie.. good day?"

"YES... I'm on the athletics team, I'm doing javellin and 100m and long jump. They want to put meinthe800maswellcani?OhandcanIgointo..."

"Slow down please, I can't tell what you're saying.."

"I SAID, can i go into town with S tomorrow? There are like a whole group of us going and I want to too.."

"Like a whole group of you going? What's like a group? A gaggle?"

"Oh for God sake mum. You know what I mean. I can't help it if you can't talk properly. Please can I go?"

"Umm, not sure love, I have to check with your dad and see if we're doing anything."

"Great. He'll say no and we'll go and do something boring like watch sheep. All you care about is the baby. You wish I hadn't been born."

"Yes dear. It's my nightly prayer"

"I knew it. Why don't you just put me in care? I bet they'd let me go out."

"Georgina Mary Alice. I've had it now. Upstairs and get changed. Think about how you speak to me and bring your washing down so I can put the machine on."

"I have to do EVERYTHING round here. Can't I ever get a night off? I'm your slave. That's why you had me be born."

"Yes dear.Upstairs, now"

10 minutes later, joyous G arrives. Happily having forgotten her slavery bond and launches into the gossip of the day. Head of Year has written in her book to inform me that 20 denier tights are too thin, and must be 40. Obviously. Heading into summer and only "nerds" wear white socks, so we buy a pack of 5 tights a week. Private school must be cheaper. Happiness and tranquility continues whilst Lal is fed and she has her tea. And then once again, it ends.. my fault..

" Can I go on MSN for a bit?"

"Sorry love, no... remember you're not allowed on it until Sunday."

"Why not?"

"Remember how rude you were last Sunday and how you refused point blank to put your ironing away? And I said you'd lose MSN for a week?"

"Yes, but that was Sunday. It's Friday now. And I've been really good. I fed the cat and everything."

"You did indeed. Did you bring your dirty cups down from upstairs? Pick your wet towel up off the floor? Put your rubbish in the bin? hang your uniform up?"

"No. But I didn't mean to not do them. I just wanted to spend time with Lal instead."

"No.. you didn't. I asked you to watch him, so you did exactly that.. You didn't play with him at all."

"So? You didn't say I had to. What you don't want me to spend time with my brother now? Can I go on MSN now?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"I hate you. ALL my friends have it and they all hate you too. I'm not allowed to do anything. You'd be happy if I just stopped breathing. Well I'm going to. You see? You don't even care. I'm not breathing and you're just letting me. I'm going to tell Dad. PLEASE can I go on MSN? PLEASE? MUM. MUM. MUUUUUUUUM. Fine. I'm never talking to you again. Ever. I'm really not. You can talk tome as much as you like and I won't answer. Mum? Right, I hate you. I wish I'd never been born."

There's been silence since. Lovely silence. Until tomorrow when she'll remember that she wanted to go out with friends. Or if I'm very unlucky in about 10 minutes when she'll remember that ALL her friends watch Big Brother and none of their parents say that it's "inappropriate"

K x x