Thursday, 31 January 2008

Stupidly excited

K comes home tonight, well around 1am, and I'm usually up at that time, so consider that tonight. And I am nervous. And have butterflies, which is so stupid as we have been married for 12 years, together for 15 and I've known him since I was 7!

We didn't part on the best of terms, but things haven't been wonderful between us since my last m/c. I've been pregnant twice since Lal was born, the first was an ectopic and the second was a 7 week m/c. I had a few problems with what happened, blamed myself, and him.... he went away to work... everything went to poo! Thank Goodness I had bc.. the friends on there who have helped me are more wonderful than they know! Seriously.. and they all know who they are!

So! I have fired the counsellor, who was useless and told me things I already know. I have stopped going to my weigh in's, don't shout at me Hushy..I know what I'm doing, and have been eating so much better recently. For those that don't know me, I have had huge weight and eating related issues since my teens, and since all my problems (many, many problems, I'm a psychiatrists dream!) I wrote the last bit and went away to check the spelling of
psychiatrist, and in the process forgot where the sentence was going.. so will leave it! And I have decided that I am going to stop being pathetic! And I am good at being pathetic. It's a real gift.

Tonight is the night that I put the fun back. Hence the nervousness. Or sheer unadulterated terror. :) The littlest monster has been kept up late so he should sleep through, and the bigger monster is currently washing her hair in anticpation of her school disco tomorrow night. There is angst over what to wear. I say jeans and a baggy jumper, she says form fitting dress. We'll compromise somewhere in the middle.

It is now crossing my mind that I should be mildly embarrassed about discussing my (lack of) sex life on here.. but after the endless TMI threads on my bb, I am ashamed of nothing anymore!

So! I am away to clean the house, put something that isn't my enormous fluffy dressing gown on, drink some wine, shave my legs (may shave legs before wine.. just my luck he'd come home to a blood streaked house otherwise. Has anyone else ever turned the razor sideways by mistake and cut a nice, neat line in their skin? No? Just me then.) and work hard at appearing not nervous.

Lal learnt to sing today.. if you sing "laaa laaaa" at him, he sings it back. Very cute. I hugged him and said "AWWW You're such a clever boy.. I love you I love you I love you" a lot. He got fed up with that and hit me with Thomas the Tank Engine. I may post a video of him later. Or hopefully tomorrow...

Right.. no more procrastinating.. I must get on, will just finish my cup of tea and check my bb first...

K x x

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